Resistance

When you tell the universe you're ready to let go of everything in your life that isn't serving you, brace yourself.  At some point every day in the last week, I was too weak to walk by myself and had slurred speech. I call these my molasses moments.

I recovered enough to go to a dinner party, but 20 minutes into it the molasses flood gate opened.  My mother came to the rescue with moxa sticks.  After holding this hot mugwort ember over my skin for 45 minutes I could walk by myself and talk at a normal pace again.  We rushed (or shuffled) to the basement to play rock band, the video game / "music therapy". We named our band the Moxabitches.  It was a pretty stunning debut with me propped up on pillows like a rag-doll with a plastic guitar.

The next day I was so wiped after going to the People's Clinic to get indigent health care that both my parents had to help me walk.  They took me to see Andrew (my acupuncturist) who put needles in many Qi ('chi' or life energy) points and lit moxa on top of them all.  I felt like a flaming pin cushion but finally started to revive.  We even taught my parents how to treat me and they became my moxa-slaves.

After days of frustration and waves of anger, fear and loneliness, the mesmerism broke.  I realized that the universe was bringing me everything I was resisting so I could learn acceptance.  Being trapped in my immobile body at times was bringing up the last vestiges of resistance.  I couldn't run, hide or distract myself.  In a complete moment of aloneness, I also felt universal oneness.  Things I was judging and resisting were sustaining this image of separateness.  This was most apparent in my feelings towards western medicine.  I've always resisted it.  Suddenly it was so clear that western medicine is the same as Chinese medicine, Ayurvedic medicine, Christian Science or shamanic work.  They are all paths to health and healing.  They all employ people that want to help humanity find balance in their lives.  Why should I believe that one is better than any other?  It's as ridiculous as someone thinking that their religion holds the Truth and all the other religions are just delusional.  Truth is absolute.  It doesn't discriminate.  

This week I'm going to a western clinic to take some tests.  I'm still going to school for Traditional Chinese Medicine, but there's no reason for me to discriminate or judge all the other paths to health.  We will be much stronger if we work together.

I've also noticed my resistance to being helped.  Mom says I came out of the womb this way…always wanting to do everything myself.  If you look at pictures of me after the age of two, you can tell by my hilarious mis-matched clothing and shoes, usually on the wrong feet.  So it's pretty humbling to have to ask your parents to help you walk or cook your food when it's a molasses moment.  I'm still working on accepting this one with grace.

Most importantly, I've found accepting the present moment is the path of least resistance.  Whatever is happening only seems bad, or like a problem, if I want it to be different.  It seems I spent most of my life swimming upstream instead of relaxing and letting the current take me in the best direction.  I'm only upset about my current situation when I want the present to be different.  So, I'm trying to see the humor in this dream we call life and enjoy myself…or at least not resist whatever comes my way.