Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Calm After the Storm

Spring has finally given the stage to summer, and with it I turned 33. Not a momentous age to become, but a significant one for me. It marked the beginning of my next 9 year cycle, in numerology's terms. I've felt it coming, like a distant thunder storm, for a few months now. And I must say, I'm quite happy to see the last 9 year cycle finally head for the exit door. It was certainly wrought with many things I'm ready to toss off the back of the truck; depression, Luke's death, alcoholism, dental surgeries, emergency appendectomy, almost a year of ill health and complete identification with being an athlete.

I had a month of tears that came from clear blue skies like torrential sheets of rain. There was nothing my brain could find as their source. Instead of running away with umbrella in hand, I laid down in the grass and let them cleanse me. Maybe they were old tears I'd been running from and when I finally stopped and allowed them time, they rose to the surface.

The month of May was my time of rage. If you've ever been outside in nature during a tornado storm, surrounded by lightening, thunder, pounding rain and wind that could almost pick you up, that's what my insides felt like. Out of nowhere, I would want to destroy everything in my path. I spent a couple afternoons running to the back yard so I didn't break everything in the house. After throwing huge rocks at the brick garage, pounding blocks of wood with metal and hucking all the lawn furniture around, I still managed to have some rage left over and broke my i-phone on the floor. Certainly not my proudest moment, but I'm certain I would have spontaneously combusted and burned down the whole neighborhood otherwise. I went to see one of my health practitioners who does qigong and she said I had aggressive foreign energy in my Liver meridian causing all the rage. I'm sure that sounds pretty woo-woo to most people, but since she removed it, I haven't felt one shred of anger or rage.

So far June has been smooth sailing. I've never been so calm and peaceful. In fact, I'm so content I haven't left Boulder in 6 weeks, and it's not because I lack the energy. I'd just rather stay here and write, meditate, practice qigong, read, do yoga, walk, paint, play guitar and ride my bike. At least I'm not a complete lump on the couch anymore. With only one crash in 26 days, I've definitely turned the corner.

So the big mystery…what will this next 9 year cycle bring? I certainly have a few ideas, but nothing has become clear yet. I know I've changed too much to slip back to being the old me. You won't find me working 50 hours a week in a florescent light filled office, climbing obsessively and drinking out on the town every night. Boulder now feels too busy, loud and crowded. So where will I go? What will I do for work? How will I stay centered when the pace of life picks up again? I'm just waiting for a clear answer, listening like one listens to a gentle breeze, watching for the empty canvas to manifest a beautiful scene, noticing the details in each moment as they arise.