Talking to Myself

I've been trying to hone my listening skills, or intuition, as some might call it. Some confusion has arisen since I went to a medical intuitive. He said I have active Epstein Barr Virus, fried pituitary and adrenals and my body was "depressed", even though I don't feel mentally depressed like I have in the past. Do I take naturopathic medicine for these things, or continue with the Chinese herbs? Instead of trying to problem solve with my over active brain (the cause of my pituitary exhaustion), I tried listening to the higher intelligence of the universe for my answers.

This morning I heard that the seratonin and adrenal support would mask over my symptoms and hold me back from fully accepting my sadness and grief from the past. I've had three intuitive healers now tell me that my chronic hip, neck and shoulder pain are residual emotions. Ironically, when they tried to come out a few weeks ago, I totally panicked. I said out loud, "universe, I can take anything but this depression, I'd rather be unable to move or talk on the couch". Well, guess what happened the next day… I was calm and happy and unable to move or talk all day on the couch. Be careful what you ask for.

This morning, I realized that my depression, anxiety, and grief from the past are not who I am. They are forms, like my body, an illusion or dream. I don't need to identify with them like I did previously. I said to the universe, "I'm ready to feel my grief and emotions and see that they aren't me". I want to let them rise so they can fall away into the nothingness that they truly are. Keeping them suppressed is only dragging out my illness.

As I spoke, it struck me that I was talking to myself in more than one sense. Humanly, I was alone in the house, talking out loud. Spiritually, when I addressed Divine Spirit, Sabrina (my spirit guide) and Luke (my brother), I was also talking to myself. We are all manifestations of the same oneness, emptiness, Spirit, or whatever else you want to call it. To me, intuition is listening to the infinite intelligence instead of my limited, chattering human mind to make decisions.

Fierce Grace

I love Adya. What amazing teachings he brings us that always have kernels of grace to meet me right where I'm at. He's been a beacon of light that I hold to during recent dark and stormy times. In his radio talk tonight, he spoke about how grace sometimes comes in beautiful forms…but can also appear as "fierce grace". This is when life rips your sense of personal will away from your ego. The more you resist, the messier it can be. I thought back to the depression, panic attacks and turmoil after Luke died 5 years ago. Since Adya was brought to me in September, I've finally started accepting what's happening in my life (a little too late to prevent the implosion, but better late than never!)

One of the listeners called in wondering how to discover where she is still holding on. It is challenging to let go if you can't see where you're grasping. He said "trying" to "let go" is impossible, since these two ideas are mutually exclusive. Trying is grasping. Letting go is letting go. To find where we're holding on, we can ask and then listen. The space to receive answers must first be there.

It hit me like a taxi…it's this idea of perfection that I'm grasping. Actually, it's the fear of not being perfect that paralyzes me. It's ridiculous really, as Adya pointed out tonight, because human life can't be perfect. It's impossible. But, this idea of perfect is what has kept me from really investing in a relationship, my guitar, painting, singing, climbing… well, everything I've done. I'm terrified if I really try and I'm not the best….I don't even know what I'm scared of. I guess I identify with being athletic, creative and competent, so letting go of those mistaken identities would mean the death of the egoic remnants. I want this inside, to see the truth, but death is scary. I can tell you from experience that my ego has not been dying a graceful death.

Adya also described the opposite of letting go as "willfulfullyl" wanting life to be a certain way. Earlier this fall, I met with Jai, who decided that my sickness was a matter of imbalance. We came up with a list of what I had in excess and identified the opposites for me to develop. One of my excesses was willfulness. Dandy!

Even today, as I measured out Chinese herbal formulas for Andrew's patients, I had to get the measurements "perfect". If it said 8g, I couldn't settle for 7.9 or 8.1g. He wasn't even there, so it was even more obvious to me tonight that this is my hang up. The last hold out, like a burglar inside the bank, surrounded on all sides by Truth. The longer he holds out, the more painful the death will be. Perfection, your out of time, come out with your hands up!

Time is an illusion anyway.

My Lost Armor

It's funny when you lose something you were unaware existed, but it's happened. My protective armor and shield has gone missing. I'm not really surprised with the mass exodus my life looks like. Nonetheless, it's been interesting to discover that it's not there. It first became apparent when I realized spending time with people and talking completely drained me. This was first noticeable after my cousin's wedding in mid-October. I was so drained after talking all weekend that I had to be wheeled from the airplane to our car and it took 5 days to recover. The next weekend I went to another wedding, this time in Boulder, with lots of people I knew and wanted to talk to. I even danced for 5 minutes before the molasses hit. I could barely walk the next day. From there I spiraled into weeks where every day, at some point, I was unable to walk without assistance, had a sore throat and needed to whisper or write my thoughts.

I've only had two major crashes since Thanksgiving (major = need assistance walking), which seems like great progress. The two major changes since then are that I switched my Qi building herb inside my daily tonic to ginseng and I've only spent 2 hours with friends. I was completely drained afterwards.

Earlier this week I went to Pier 1 to get more comfortable accent pillows for my couch, since I spend the majority of my time there. Within 5 minutes I was a lump on the couch and realized that the overwhelming smells that hit me when I walked in had knocking me out. I have a bad sense of smell too, so they were obviously strong. I immediately noticed an improvement when I got outside and revived slowly over the next 2 hours (with the help of some moxa).

Yesterday, I was having another good day and did some light weights and showed my car to a couple. The man was one of the largest people I've met but he fit in and had more head room than in most regular cars. The MINI has impressive seats with 4 adjustments and he had it all the way on the floor. I crashed after that and laid on the couch for a couple hours to revive. At 4 I sat up and thought, I'm ready to get off this couch and have some entertainment! Mom and I rushed out the door for a 4:10 showing of Burlesque. Oh how I yearned to be on that stage, dancing and singing like Christina!! Of course, I'll gladly take walking and talking at this point.

I got a migraine when I came home and had to do the scalding hot washcloth trick in a dark room. I had the worst jello legs I've had in weeks and had to do tons of moxa to revive my energy. In conclusion, I think there was some protective armor that I had before I got sick and I took it off somewhere along the way. Maybe it got too heavy, or my subconscious knew I needed to be totally cocooned to have a true healing. Who knows. All I know is that I'm so sensitive I can't seem to handle socializing, loud noise, flashy lights, intense smells or most foods. I continually remind myself:

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness". ~Eckhart Tolle

Pumpkin Cake Hangover

So, my first hangover since I quit drinking in late July was last week after I ate almost an entire pumpkin cake in one night. It was my first experiment with baking, and since there are no cookbooks that use ingredients I can eat…I decided to wing it. I added logical things like flour (tapioca), eggs and baking soda. This is where it got interesting. I put in pumpkin and coconut sugar and some spices. In all honesty I was trying to make scones, but my batter was runny so I poured it into a pan instead. I ate it like a crack addict, sharing two small pieces with my mother and Amy, then devouring the rest myself.

This was day 6 on sugar since Thanksgiving and I was officially addicted again. Initially I thought "honey, coconut sugar and agave are fine since they aren't refined white sugar". I was wrong. Not only was I addicted again, but my headaches and elbow tendonitis (that I thought was associated with rock climbing) were back in full force. Hmmmm…sugar is an inflammatory. Since then I'm on the 2 days per week sugar allowance plan in a feeble attempt to bring balance into my life. Since we all know I'm great at the "all or nothing" plan in life, I'm trying something new for kicks.

I have 8 qualities I focus on every day to be more balanced. The first 4 are from Luke and are what the tattoo on my forearm represents: acceptance, compassion, forgiveness and gentleness. The last 4 are opposites of what I had too much of when my Yang collapsed: calmness, steadiness, commitment and equanimity. When my body can handle another tattoo, there will be one on my right arm to bring me into symmetry (and hopefully balance too).

I had 3 gloriously energetic and joyous days starting last weekend. It was fun to feel like a "normal" human being again. I got to walk around downtown, picked out an easel for Xmas, and went to the CU rec center to lift weights with all the beefcakes. I actually laughed out loud when I had to set most of the machines to the lowest setting. I was probably less than 3 feet tall last time I was this weak. But how wonderful to MOVE my body!! I was high on endorphins all afternoon Sunday from it and dancing in front of the stove to thumping Rodrigo y Gabriella.

I was shocked to wake up Monday and realize that 3 full days in a row I had felt good. To celebrate, I started my apprenticeship with Andrew (my Chinese doc/ acupuncturist/ herbalist). I talked with him for 4 hours and still felt great! I'm so excited to get my hands on those glass jars of herbs, learn the Chinese names and what they do I can hardly wait.

That night I had a friend over for dinner and did the cooking. Mid dinner I felt like that energizer bunny commercial from the 80s (or 90s?) and started to s  l   o    w      d    o    w     n. Enter molasses stage right.

For 2 full days since then I've been able to walk but not had energy for much else. I've realized that I have no choice but to live completely in the moment. I can't make plans because I never know if I'll feel like a million bucks or need help lifting my head up and  walking to the bathroom. I've actually been more peaceful and happier than any other time in my life despite moments of frustration and impatience. I like myself better too, which I didn't realize until Sunday when I made my first sharp comment to my mother in months and her reply was "I know your getting better because you're bitchiness is back." Ouch, the truth hurts. How can I get healthy and remain in this peaceful state? Is it possible to rebuild my Yang fire and not turn back into the disgruntled, impatient bitch I tended towards in the past? I know the point is to accept myself completely…including the bitchy moments, the dark depression, the sassy wit, the peaceful stillness and everything else that comes out. I guess I'll just take it as it comes. Or I could struggle endlessly like I did before….but look where that got me!

Food Free Recipies

The term Food Free was coined by my former boss at Lighthouse Solar. On Fridays he would bring in pastries for everyone. When I went gluten-free, it was no big deal. Then with the dairy-free title, I could still eat macaroons. Once I realized that everything made me bloated or nauseous, he threatened to come with an empty box and declared me "food-free".

I've come up with some interesting and tasty recipes for my new diet (which looks a lot like the Paleo Diet now with some weird omissions). I never realized how creative cooking can be. I generally don't measure anything, but do what I call "intuitive cooking". It's hard to figure out what works while baking this way, so I've started writing these recipies down. Tonight was my most successful experiment: gluten, dairy and grain free cookies. My parents were devouring them too, so they must be yummy to normal taste buds.

Pumpkin Blueberry Cookies
For a batch of 6:
1/2 cup tapioca flour
1/4 cup coconut flour
1/4 cup coconut sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
vanilla and nutmeg to taste
pumpkin and egg to desired consistency
*mix the dry ingredients, then mix 1/2 cup pumpkin with 1 egg and vanilla. Slowly add the wet mixture to the dry ingredients until you get desired consistency (I only used about 1/2 the wet mix to get 6 firm hackie-sack sized cookies). Add wild blueberries into dough since they are smaller. Bake for 12-14 minutes on 350 (I used a small convection oven, so this may not be accurate).

Gelatinous Goo Stew
Start with beef bones in a crock pot. Fill water so it just covers them and add a diced onion, kombu seaweed, salt, fresh garlic and ginger to taste. Cook on low for 24 hours. Remove bones and make sure the marrow isn't still in them. Add the following:
2-4 beets squared
3-4 carrots diced
3-4 celery stalks
1/2-1 cup fresh cranberries
red cabbage
red kale
rosemary, more garlic and ginger
Turn the pot up to high and cook for another 2 hours
*If you aren't into the bone marrow, you can start with a fryer chicken and cook it 4-6 hours, then remove it and put all the meat back into the pot.

Baked Bone Marrow
If you don't want to disperse your gelatinous goo, you can bake beef bones and eat it with a fork like I did the other night. Be sure your system is ready for lots of fat or you might be uber gassy like I was!
Put bones upright on a pan in the oven for 20 minutes at 450 degrees. I added mushrooms, fresh garlic, salt and pepper. You can borrow my ridiculously long, skinny fork if you want.

Sunchoke Homefries with Pumpkin Crepes
Sautee 1/2 an onion, fresh garlic and a tomato (salt & pepper too)
Cut your sunchokes into desirable chunks and add to frying pan
Mix 1/4 cup tapioca flour with 1 egg, a dollop of pumpkin, nutmeg and vanilla
(this makes 2-3 crepes in an 8" pan, so make sure they are thin or they won't cook)
Wrap your homefry mix inside the crepes, yum!