I've been trying to hone my listening skills, or intuition, as some might call it. Some confusion has arisen since I went to a medical intuitive. He said I have active Epstein Barr Virus, fried pituitary and adrenals and my body was "depressed", even though I don't feel mentally depressed like I have in the past. Do I take naturopathic medicine for these things, or continue with the Chinese herbs? Instead of trying to problem solve with my over active brain (the cause of my pituitary exhaustion), I tried listening to the higher intelligence of the universe for my answers.
This morning I heard that the seratonin and adrenal support would mask over my symptoms and hold me back from fully accepting my sadness and grief from the past. I've had three intuitive healers now tell me that my chronic hip, neck and shoulder pain are residual emotions. Ironically, when they tried to come out a few weeks ago, I totally panicked. I said out loud, "universe, I can take anything but this depression, I'd rather be unable to move or talk on the couch". Well, guess what happened the next day… I was calm and happy and unable to move or talk all day on the couch. Be careful what you ask for.
This morning, I realized that my depression, anxiety, and grief from the past are not who I am. They are forms, like my body, an illusion or dream. I don't need to identify with them like I did previously. I said to the universe, "I'm ready to feel my grief and emotions and see that they aren't me". I want to let them rise so they can fall away into the nothingness that they truly are. Keeping them suppressed is only dragging out my illness.
As I spoke, it struck me that I was talking to myself in more than one sense. Humanly, I was alone in the house, talking out loud. Spiritually, when I addressed Divine Spirit, Sabrina (my spirit guide) and Luke (my brother), I was also talking to myself. We are all manifestations of the same oneness, emptiness, Spirit, or whatever else you want to call it. To me, intuition is listening to the infinite intelligence instead of my limited, chattering human mind to make decisions.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Fierce Grace
I love Adya. What amazing teachings he brings us that always have kernels of grace to meet me right where I'm at. He's been a beacon of light that I hold to during recent dark and stormy times. In his radio talk tonight, he spoke about how grace sometimes comes in beautiful forms…but can also appear as "fierce grace". This is when life rips your sense of personal will away from your ego. The more you resist, the messier it can be. I thought back to the depression, panic attacks and turmoil after Luke died 5 years ago. Since Adya was brought to me in September, I've finally started accepting what's happening in my life (a little too late to prevent the implosion, but better late than never!)
One of the listeners called in wondering how to discover where she is still holding on. It is challenging to let go if you can't see where you're grasping. He said "trying" to "let go" is impossible, since these two ideas are mutually exclusive. Trying is grasping. Letting go is letting go. To find where we're holding on, we can ask and then listen. The space to receive answers must first be there.
It hit me like a taxi…it's this idea of perfection that I'm grasping. Actually, it's the fear of not being perfect that paralyzes me. It's ridiculous really, as Adya pointed out tonight, because human life can't be perfect. It's impossible. But, this idea of perfect is what has kept me from really investing in a relationship, my guitar, painting, singing, climbing… well, everything I've done. I'm terrified if I really try and I'm not the best….I don't even know what I'm scared of. I guess I identify with being athletic, creative and competent, so letting go of those mistaken identities would mean the death of the egoic remnants. I want this inside, to see the truth, but death is scary. I can tell you from experience that my ego has not been dying a graceful death.
Adya also described the opposite of letting go as "willfulfullyl" wanting life to be a certain way. Earlier this fall, I met with Jai, who decided that my sickness was a matter of imbalance. We came up with a list of what I had in excess and identified the opposites for me to develop. One of my excesses was willfulness. Dandy!
Even today, as I measured out Chinese herbal formulas for Andrew's patients, I had to get the measurements "perfect". If it said 8g, I couldn't settle for 7.9 or 8.1g. He wasn't even there, so it was even more obvious to me tonight that this is my hang up. The last hold out, like a burglar inside the bank, surrounded on all sides by Truth. The longer he holds out, the more painful the death will be. Perfection, your out of time, come out with your hands up!
Time is an illusion anyway.
One of the listeners called in wondering how to discover where she is still holding on. It is challenging to let go if you can't see where you're grasping. He said "trying" to "let go" is impossible, since these two ideas are mutually exclusive. Trying is grasping. Letting go is letting go. To find where we're holding on, we can ask and then listen. The space to receive answers must first be there.
It hit me like a taxi…it's this idea of perfection that I'm grasping. Actually, it's the fear of not being perfect that paralyzes me. It's ridiculous really, as Adya pointed out tonight, because human life can't be perfect. It's impossible. But, this idea of perfect is what has kept me from really investing in a relationship, my guitar, painting, singing, climbing… well, everything I've done. I'm terrified if I really try and I'm not the best….I don't even know what I'm scared of. I guess I identify with being athletic, creative and competent, so letting go of those mistaken identities would mean the death of the egoic remnants. I want this inside, to see the truth, but death is scary. I can tell you from experience that my ego has not been dying a graceful death.
Adya also described the opposite of letting go as "willfulfullyl" wanting life to be a certain way. Earlier this fall, I met with Jai, who decided that my sickness was a matter of imbalance. We came up with a list of what I had in excess and identified the opposites for me to develop. One of my excesses was willfulness. Dandy!
Even today, as I measured out Chinese herbal formulas for Andrew's patients, I had to get the measurements "perfect". If it said 8g, I couldn't settle for 7.9 or 8.1g. He wasn't even there, so it was even more obvious to me tonight that this is my hang up. The last hold out, like a burglar inside the bank, surrounded on all sides by Truth. The longer he holds out, the more painful the death will be. Perfection, your out of time, come out with your hands up!
Time is an illusion anyway.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
My Lost Armor
It's funny when you lose something you were unaware existed, but it's happened. My protective armor and shield has gone missing. I'm not really surprised with the mass exodus my life looks like. Nonetheless, it's been interesting to discover that it's not there. It first became apparent when I realized spending time with people and talking completely drained me. This was first noticeable after my cousin's wedding in mid-October. I was so drained after talking all weekend that I had to be wheeled from the airplane to our car and it took 5 days to recover. The next weekend I went to another wedding, this time in Boulder, with lots of people I knew and wanted to talk to. I even danced for 5 minutes before the molasses hit. I could barely walk the next day. From there I spiraled into weeks where every day, at some point, I was unable to walk without assistance, had a sore throat and needed to whisper or write my thoughts.
I've only had two major crashes since Thanksgiving (major = need assistance walking), which seems like great progress. The two major changes since then are that I switched my Qi building herb inside my daily tonic to ginseng and I've only spent 2 hours with friends. I was completely drained afterwards.
Earlier this week I went to Pier 1 to get more comfortable accent pillows for my couch, since I spend the majority of my time there. Within 5 minutes I was a lump on the couch and realized that the overwhelming smells that hit me when I walked in had knocking me out. I have a bad sense of smell too, so they were obviously strong. I immediately noticed an improvement when I got outside and revived slowly over the next 2 hours (with the help of some moxa).
Yesterday, I was having another good day and did some light weights and showed my car to a couple. The man was one of the largest people I've met but he fit in and had more head room than in most regular cars. The MINI has impressive seats with 4 adjustments and he had it all the way on the floor. I crashed after that and laid on the couch for a couple hours to revive. At 4 I sat up and thought, I'm ready to get off this couch and have some entertainment! Mom and I rushed out the door for a 4:10 showing of Burlesque. Oh how I yearned to be on that stage, dancing and singing like Christina!! Of course, I'll gladly take walking and talking at this point.
I got a migraine when I came home and had to do the scalding hot washcloth trick in a dark room. I had the worst jello legs I've had in weeks and had to do tons of moxa to revive my energy. In conclusion, I think there was some protective armor that I had before I got sick and I took it off somewhere along the way. Maybe it got too heavy, or my subconscious knew I needed to be totally cocooned to have a true healing. Who knows. All I know is that I'm so sensitive I can't seem to handle socializing, loud noise, flashy lights, intense smells or most foods. I continually remind myself:
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness". ~Eckhart Tolle
I've only had two major crashes since Thanksgiving (major = need assistance walking), which seems like great progress. The two major changes since then are that I switched my Qi building herb inside my daily tonic to ginseng and I've only spent 2 hours with friends. I was completely drained afterwards.
Earlier this week I went to Pier 1 to get more comfortable accent pillows for my couch, since I spend the majority of my time there. Within 5 minutes I was a lump on the couch and realized that the overwhelming smells that hit me when I walked in had knocking me out. I have a bad sense of smell too, so they were obviously strong. I immediately noticed an improvement when I got outside and revived slowly over the next 2 hours (with the help of some moxa).
Yesterday, I was having another good day and did some light weights and showed my car to a couple. The man was one of the largest people I've met but he fit in and had more head room than in most regular cars. The MINI has impressive seats with 4 adjustments and he had it all the way on the floor. I crashed after that and laid on the couch for a couple hours to revive. At 4 I sat up and thought, I'm ready to get off this couch and have some entertainment! Mom and I rushed out the door for a 4:10 showing of Burlesque. Oh how I yearned to be on that stage, dancing and singing like Christina!! Of course, I'll gladly take walking and talking at this point.
I got a migraine when I came home and had to do the scalding hot washcloth trick in a dark room. I had the worst jello legs I've had in weeks and had to do tons of moxa to revive my energy. In conclusion, I think there was some protective armor that I had before I got sick and I took it off somewhere along the way. Maybe it got too heavy, or my subconscious knew I needed to be totally cocooned to have a true healing. Who knows. All I know is that I'm so sensitive I can't seem to handle socializing, loud noise, flashy lights, intense smells or most foods. I continually remind myself:
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness". ~Eckhart Tolle
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Pumpkin Cake Hangover
So, my first hangover since I quit drinking in late July was last week after I ate almost an entire pumpkin cake in one night. It was my first experiment with baking, and since there are no cookbooks that use ingredients I can eat…I decided to wing it. I added logical things like flour (tapioca), eggs and baking soda. This is where it got interesting. I put in pumpkin and coconut sugar and some spices. In all honesty I was trying to make scones, but my batter was runny so I poured it into a pan instead. I ate it like a crack addict, sharing two small pieces with my mother and Amy, then devouring the rest myself.
This was day 6 on sugar since Thanksgiving and I was officially addicted again. Initially I thought "honey, coconut sugar and agave are fine since they aren't refined white sugar". I was wrong. Not only was I addicted again, but my headaches and elbow tendonitis (that I thought was associated with rock climbing) were back in full force. Hmmmm…sugar is an inflammatory. Since then I'm on the 2 days per week sugar allowance plan in a feeble attempt to bring balance into my life. Since we all know I'm great at the "all or nothing" plan in life, I'm trying something new for kicks.
I have 8 qualities I focus on every day to be more balanced. The first 4 are from Luke and are what the tattoo on my forearm represents: acceptance, compassion, forgiveness and gentleness. The last 4 are opposites of what I had too much of when my Yang collapsed: calmness, steadiness, commitment and equanimity. When my body can handle another tattoo, there will be one on my right arm to bring me into symmetry (and hopefully balance too).
I had 3 gloriously energetic and joyous days starting last weekend. It was fun to feel like a "normal" human being again. I got to walk around downtown, picked out an easel for Xmas, and went to the CU rec center to lift weights with all the beefcakes. I actually laughed out loud when I had to set most of the machines to the lowest setting. I was probably less than 3 feet tall last time I was this weak. But how wonderful to MOVE my body!! I was high on endorphins all afternoon Sunday from it and dancing in front of the stove to thumping Rodrigo y Gabriella.
I was shocked to wake up Monday and realize that 3 full days in a row I had felt good. To celebrate, I started my apprenticeship with Andrew (my Chinese doc/ acupuncturist/ herbalist). I talked with him for 4 hours and still felt great! I'm so excited to get my hands on those glass jars of herbs, learn the Chinese names and what they do I can hardly wait.
That night I had a friend over for dinner and did the cooking. Mid dinner I felt like that energizer bunny commercial from the 80s (or 90s?) and started to s l o w d o w n. Enter molasses stage right.
For 2 full days since then I've been able to walk but not had energy for much else. I've realized that I have no choice but to live completely in the moment. I can't make plans because I never know if I'll feel like a million bucks or need help lifting my head up and walking to the bathroom. I've actually been more peaceful and happier than any other time in my life despite moments of frustration and impatience. I like myself better too, which I didn't realize until Sunday when I made my first sharp comment to my mother in months and her reply was "I know your getting better because you're bitchiness is back." Ouch, the truth hurts. How can I get healthy and remain in this peaceful state? Is it possible to rebuild my Yang fire and not turn back into the disgruntled, impatient bitch I tended towards in the past? I know the point is to accept myself completely…including the bitchy moments, the dark depression, the sassy wit, the peaceful stillness and everything else that comes out. I guess I'll just take it as it comes. Or I could struggle endlessly like I did before….but look where that got me!
This was day 6 on sugar since Thanksgiving and I was officially addicted again. Initially I thought "honey, coconut sugar and agave are fine since they aren't refined white sugar". I was wrong. Not only was I addicted again, but my headaches and elbow tendonitis (that I thought was associated with rock climbing) were back in full force. Hmmmm…sugar is an inflammatory. Since then I'm on the 2 days per week sugar allowance plan in a feeble attempt to bring balance into my life. Since we all know I'm great at the "all or nothing" plan in life, I'm trying something new for kicks.
I have 8 qualities I focus on every day to be more balanced. The first 4 are from Luke and are what the tattoo on my forearm represents: acceptance, compassion, forgiveness and gentleness. The last 4 are opposites of what I had too much of when my Yang collapsed: calmness, steadiness, commitment and equanimity. When my body can handle another tattoo, there will be one on my right arm to bring me into symmetry (and hopefully balance too).
I had 3 gloriously energetic and joyous days starting last weekend. It was fun to feel like a "normal" human being again. I got to walk around downtown, picked out an easel for Xmas, and went to the CU rec center to lift weights with all the beefcakes. I actually laughed out loud when I had to set most of the machines to the lowest setting. I was probably less than 3 feet tall last time I was this weak. But how wonderful to MOVE my body!! I was high on endorphins all afternoon Sunday from it and dancing in front of the stove to thumping Rodrigo y Gabriella.
I was shocked to wake up Monday and realize that 3 full days in a row I had felt good. To celebrate, I started my apprenticeship with Andrew (my Chinese doc/ acupuncturist/ herbalist). I talked with him for 4 hours and still felt great! I'm so excited to get my hands on those glass jars of herbs, learn the Chinese names and what they do I can hardly wait.
That night I had a friend over for dinner and did the cooking. Mid dinner I felt like that energizer bunny commercial from the 80s (or 90s?) and started to s l o w d o w n. Enter molasses stage right.
For 2 full days since then I've been able to walk but not had energy for much else. I've realized that I have no choice but to live completely in the moment. I can't make plans because I never know if I'll feel like a million bucks or need help lifting my head up and walking to the bathroom. I've actually been more peaceful and happier than any other time in my life despite moments of frustration and impatience. I like myself better too, which I didn't realize until Sunday when I made my first sharp comment to my mother in months and her reply was "I know your getting better because you're bitchiness is back." Ouch, the truth hurts. How can I get healthy and remain in this peaceful state? Is it possible to rebuild my Yang fire and not turn back into the disgruntled, impatient bitch I tended towards in the past? I know the point is to accept myself completely…including the bitchy moments, the dark depression, the sassy wit, the peaceful stillness and everything else that comes out. I guess I'll just take it as it comes. Or I could struggle endlessly like I did before….but look where that got me!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Food Free Recipies
The term Food Free was coined by my former boss at Lighthouse Solar. On Fridays he would bring in pastries for everyone. When I went gluten-free, it was no big deal. Then with the dairy-free title, I could still eat macaroons. Once I realized that everything made me bloated or nauseous, he threatened to come with an empty box and declared me "food-free".
I've come up with some interesting and tasty recipes for my new diet (which looks a lot like the Paleo Diet now with some weird omissions). I never realized how creative cooking can be. I generally don't measure anything, but do what I call "intuitive cooking". It's hard to figure out what works while baking this way, so I've started writing these recipies down. Tonight was my most successful experiment: gluten, dairy and grain free cookies. My parents were devouring them too, so they must be yummy to normal taste buds.
Pumpkin Blueberry Cookies
For a batch of 6:
1/2 cup tapioca flour
1/4 cup coconut flour
1/4 cup coconut sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
vanilla and nutmeg to taste
pumpkin and egg to desired consistency
*mix the dry ingredients, then mix 1/2 cup pumpkin with 1 egg and vanilla. Slowly add the wet mixture to the dry ingredients until you get desired consistency (I only used about 1/2 the wet mix to get 6 firm hackie-sack sized cookies). Add wild blueberries into dough since they are smaller. Bake for 12-14 minutes on 350 (I used a small convection oven, so this may not be accurate).
Gelatinous Goo Stew
Start with beef bones in a crock pot. Fill water so it just covers them and add a diced onion, kombu seaweed, salt, fresh garlic and ginger to taste. Cook on low for 24 hours. Remove bones and make sure the marrow isn't still in them. Add the following:
2-4 beets squared
3-4 carrots diced
3-4 celery stalks
1/2-1 cup fresh cranberries
red cabbage
red kale
rosemary, more garlic and ginger
Turn the pot up to high and cook for another 2 hours
*If you aren't into the bone marrow, you can start with a fryer chicken and cook it 4-6 hours, then remove it and put all the meat back into the pot.
Baked Bone Marrow
If you don't want to disperse your gelatinous goo, you can bake beef bones and eat it with a fork like I did the other night. Be sure your system is ready for lots of fat or you might be uber gassy like I was!
Put bones upright on a pan in the oven for 20 minutes at 450 degrees. I added mushrooms, fresh garlic, salt and pepper. You can borrow my ridiculously long, skinny fork if you want.
Sunchoke Homefries with Pumpkin Crepes
Sautee 1/2 an onion, fresh garlic and a tomato (salt & pepper too)
Cut your sunchokes into desirable chunks and add to frying pan
Mix 1/4 cup tapioca flour with 1 egg, a dollop of pumpkin, nutmeg and vanilla
(this makes 2-3 crepes in an 8" pan, so make sure they are thin or they won't cook)
Wrap your homefry mix inside the crepes, yum!
I've come up with some interesting and tasty recipes for my new diet (which looks a lot like the Paleo Diet now with some weird omissions). I never realized how creative cooking can be. I generally don't measure anything, but do what I call "intuitive cooking". It's hard to figure out what works while baking this way, so I've started writing these recipies down. Tonight was my most successful experiment: gluten, dairy and grain free cookies. My parents were devouring them too, so they must be yummy to normal taste buds.
Pumpkin Blueberry Cookies
For a batch of 6:
1/2 cup tapioca flour
1/4 cup coconut flour
1/4 cup coconut sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
vanilla and nutmeg to taste
pumpkin and egg to desired consistency
*mix the dry ingredients, then mix 1/2 cup pumpkin with 1 egg and vanilla. Slowly add the wet mixture to the dry ingredients until you get desired consistency (I only used about 1/2 the wet mix to get 6 firm hackie-sack sized cookies). Add wild blueberries into dough since they are smaller. Bake for 12-14 minutes on 350 (I used a small convection oven, so this may not be accurate).
Gelatinous Goo Stew
Start with beef bones in a crock pot. Fill water so it just covers them and add a diced onion, kombu seaweed, salt, fresh garlic and ginger to taste. Cook on low for 24 hours. Remove bones and make sure the marrow isn't still in them. Add the following:
2-4 beets squared
3-4 carrots diced
3-4 celery stalks
1/2-1 cup fresh cranberries
red cabbage
red kale
rosemary, more garlic and ginger
Turn the pot up to high and cook for another 2 hours
*If you aren't into the bone marrow, you can start with a fryer chicken and cook it 4-6 hours, then remove it and put all the meat back into the pot.
Baked Bone Marrow
If you don't want to disperse your gelatinous goo, you can bake beef bones and eat it with a fork like I did the other night. Be sure your system is ready for lots of fat or you might be uber gassy like I was!
Put bones upright on a pan in the oven for 20 minutes at 450 degrees. I added mushrooms, fresh garlic, salt and pepper. You can borrow my ridiculously long, skinny fork if you want.
Sunchoke Homefries with Pumpkin Crepes
Sautee 1/2 an onion, fresh garlic and a tomato (salt & pepper too)
Cut your sunchokes into desirable chunks and add to frying pan
Mix 1/4 cup tapioca flour with 1 egg, a dollop of pumpkin, nutmeg and vanilla
(this makes 2-3 crepes in an 8" pan, so make sure they are thin or they won't cook)
Wrap your homefry mix inside the crepes, yum!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Cardboard Image
Like a bomb exploded on the structure of my life and I was left standing in the rubble with a cardboard image of myself. I can't hide behind it any more and am taking it to the recycle bin. After 100 days without work, any indulgent foods, a boyfriend, much exercise, my own apartment or anything else I'm used to having in life, I woke up feeling depressed today. Not suicidal, or anything, just not inspired to get out of bed.
I felt a little better when I was meditating and thinking about writing. My meditations are often filled with prose or new art I would create if I had energy. This morning, in my head, I wrote about how alone I felt. What was most terrifying was the sense that I have no idea who I am or how to relate to the world anymore. I've stopped calling my friends because I have nothing to say right now. When I thought about posting these feelings, I started to cry…right there on my cushion. Why was I crying? …Because I've always tried to hide the dark side of myself, the Yin. I always hated to cry, hated being weak, sad, feminine, quiet. I've spent my life trying to hide it from myself and the world. Instead I got years of suicidal depression and now a sickness that has no cure and causes me to be so Yin that I lack the energy (Yang) to walk or speak sometimes. Intellectually, I know that true enlightenment is accepting each moment as it is. Accepting who I truly am, a manifestation of Divine Spirit, awareness, emptiness, God…all words that do a poor job or describing the unfathomable. I can't write about it because my human mind cannot grasp it. My human mind has been running my life and trying to convince me that I am that cardboard image of strength and sassiness.
I cried because I didn't want to put the dark side of me out in public for all to see. Why not? ...Because I never have before and it's scary. What if nobody loves me? ...Well, I already know that's a ridiculous idea. What if I'm totally alone? ...I already know that is true and impossible. We are all one. We are all separate manifestations of the same infinite.
After meditating I was reading A New Earth. Eckhart was talking about how to be yourself. He writes, "Just stop adding unnecessary baggage to who you already are… If you can be absolutely comfortable with not knowing who you are, then what's left is who you are--the Being behind the human, a field of pure potentiality rather than something that is already defined." I'm scared because life as I knew it, including who I thought I was, has crumbled and now there just a void. What gives me solace is the un-manifested creative potential that now has room to blossom.
So, here I am, being the dark, sad, cold, quiet, helpless person that I always despised. Now, how can I accept this person and love her? ...The same way I accept those qualities in other people. It's what makes us human. We cannot have light without dark, happy without sad. It's about letting whatever emotion arises wash over me without fighting it. The shore doesn't get frustrated when the tide is out and cry that it'll never rise again. The trees don't lament their leaves falling and try to hold onto them for fear they won't return. I just need to feel what arises and not let it define me…watching it wash away.
I felt a little better when I was meditating and thinking about writing. My meditations are often filled with prose or new art I would create if I had energy. This morning, in my head, I wrote about how alone I felt. What was most terrifying was the sense that I have no idea who I am or how to relate to the world anymore. I've stopped calling my friends because I have nothing to say right now. When I thought about posting these feelings, I started to cry…right there on my cushion. Why was I crying? …Because I've always tried to hide the dark side of myself, the Yin. I always hated to cry, hated being weak, sad, feminine, quiet. I've spent my life trying to hide it from myself and the world. Instead I got years of suicidal depression and now a sickness that has no cure and causes me to be so Yin that I lack the energy (Yang) to walk or speak sometimes. Intellectually, I know that true enlightenment is accepting each moment as it is. Accepting who I truly am, a manifestation of Divine Spirit, awareness, emptiness, God…all words that do a poor job or describing the unfathomable. I can't write about it because my human mind cannot grasp it. My human mind has been running my life and trying to convince me that I am that cardboard image of strength and sassiness.
I cried because I didn't want to put the dark side of me out in public for all to see. Why not? ...Because I never have before and it's scary. What if nobody loves me? ...Well, I already know that's a ridiculous idea. What if I'm totally alone? ...I already know that is true and impossible. We are all one. We are all separate manifestations of the same infinite.
After meditating I was reading A New Earth. Eckhart was talking about how to be yourself. He writes, "Just stop adding unnecessary baggage to who you already are… If you can be absolutely comfortable with not knowing who you are, then what's left is who you are--the Being behind the human, a field of pure potentiality rather than something that is already defined." I'm scared because life as I knew it, including who I thought I was, has crumbled and now there just a void. What gives me solace is the un-manifested creative potential that now has room to blossom.
So, here I am, being the dark, sad, cold, quiet, helpless person that I always despised. Now, how can I accept this person and love her? ...The same way I accept those qualities in other people. It's what makes us human. We cannot have light without dark, happy without sad. It's about letting whatever emotion arises wash over me without fighting it. The shore doesn't get frustrated when the tide is out and cry that it'll never rise again. The trees don't lament their leaves falling and try to hold onto them for fear they won't return. I just need to feel what arises and not let it define me…watching it wash away.
Monday, November 29, 2010
100 Days
November 28th, 2010…100 days since I've worked and since I started the LEAP diet. I'm now up to 22 vegetables, 19 spices/sweeteners, 18 types of animal, 9 fruits, 5 oils and 3 grain-free flours. My new favorite vegetable is a sunchoke, also called a Jerusalem artichoke. What is a sunchoke, exactly? Well, it looks like a potato that's the size of a brussel sprout, has sunflower like blooms and breaks down into fructose instead of glucose, making them ideal for diabetics and the rest of us. Think potato meets water chestnut. I'm going to grill our next batch and make home-fries out of them.
It's amazing how much can happen in 100 days. It's not very long in the grand scheme of things like eternity…or even my life. I've already been on earth this go-round about 11,840 days, so 100 days is only .8% of my life. I've learned more in the last 100 days than the other 99.2% for sure! The question is: can I maintain balance when I reemerge into the world? It will happen eventually. I'll start apprenticing with Andrew, hopefully start a biology class on January 18th, maybe start doing yoga or climbing or skiing again, throw some friends in the mix and voila…a busy American life again. Fortunately, I'm not Kira anymore. I'm KiraZoe now and who knows what she's all about. It doesn't really matter how she defines herself anyway.
For those of you who are worried that I'm wasting away and going to die here on my green corduroy couch, have no fear. I've been tested for all infectious diseases of the GI tract, all my bacteria levels in there, parasites, Candida, thyroid and adrenal function, vitamin D levels, anemia, cervical cancer, electrolyte levels and western medicine has deemed me extremely healthy! Yipee! The best they can come up with is reoccurring mono (epstein barr virus) or the chronic fatigue syndrome umbrella, neither of which have an understood cause or cure. I also have many food allergies and intolerances which cause inflammation sometimes when I eat.
Chinese medicine has a beautiful diagnosis: collapsed Yang and deficient Qi (especially of the kidneys, spleen and lungs). Lately when I eat during the day, digestion is fine. When I eat from 5-7pm, when my Qi (pronounced chee) is in the Kidney channel, I get bloated. So, they are working to bring both my Yang and Qi back into balance.
At any rate, I think it has everything to do with my emotions, spirit and karma. I spent my whole life running away from myself, but especially since Luke died 5 years ago, that my body couldn't keep up anymore. I was so out of balance spiritually that I imploded. I'm in a reflective cocoon now until I'm ripe enough to be born into the world again…as a new person. Or rather as the person I have always been.
It's amazing how much can happen in 100 days. It's not very long in the grand scheme of things like eternity…or even my life. I've already been on earth this go-round about 11,840 days, so 100 days is only .8% of my life. I've learned more in the last 100 days than the other 99.2% for sure! The question is: can I maintain balance when I reemerge into the world? It will happen eventually. I'll start apprenticing with Andrew, hopefully start a biology class on January 18th, maybe start doing yoga or climbing or skiing again, throw some friends in the mix and voila…a busy American life again. Fortunately, I'm not Kira anymore. I'm KiraZoe now and who knows what she's all about. It doesn't really matter how she defines herself anyway.
For those of you who are worried that I'm wasting away and going to die here on my green corduroy couch, have no fear. I've been tested for all infectious diseases of the GI tract, all my bacteria levels in there, parasites, Candida, thyroid and adrenal function, vitamin D levels, anemia, cervical cancer, electrolyte levels and western medicine has deemed me extremely healthy! Yipee! The best they can come up with is reoccurring mono (epstein barr virus) or the chronic fatigue syndrome umbrella, neither of which have an understood cause or cure. I also have many food allergies and intolerances which cause inflammation sometimes when I eat.
Chinese medicine has a beautiful diagnosis: collapsed Yang and deficient Qi (especially of the kidneys, spleen and lungs). Lately when I eat during the day, digestion is fine. When I eat from 5-7pm, when my Qi (pronounced chee) is in the Kidney channel, I get bloated. So, they are working to bring both my Yang and Qi back into balance.
At any rate, I think it has everything to do with my emotions, spirit and karma. I spent my whole life running away from myself, but especially since Luke died 5 years ago, that my body couldn't keep up anymore. I was so out of balance spiritually that I imploded. I'm in a reflective cocoon now until I'm ripe enough to be born into the world again…as a new person. Or rather as the person I have always been.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Giving Thanks
Although usually just an excuse to eat a ridiculous amount of food, Thanksgiving is also a prime opportunity to be grateful. I would never be making it through this experience without the support of my parents, friends and health practitioners. It's becoming comical when I'm doing fine and then crash to the point of being unable to sit up without my parents' help. Then we wobble my jello legs down the hall to the bedroom for my mom to undress me. It's hysterical, really. The good news is that all my western medicine tests so far have given me a clean bill of health.
I had some really healing sessions this week starting Monday with Andrew. I had so much energy afterwards that I went to a coffee shop, went shoe shopping and drove myself home from downtown! I was awake for 4 hours in the middle of the night researching Chinese Medicine schools and Qigong teachers.
Tuesday I had an amazing therapy session with Jeff. He helped me realize that I'm still grasping in many areas of my life, despite having worked through so much in the last few months. I do have a tendency to obsess over things…job, sports, men, etc. It seems I've been so sick that instead of rising above some feelings, I just wasn't feeling much at all. I finally admitted and looked at my emotions: love, loneliness, frustration. I looked at what I was still wanting. When I let feelings rise, they often blew away in the wind as quickly as they came. Most interesting was that during our session, my swollen, raspy throat cleared up and my energy returned. My homework: let go, let go, let go.
Wednesday I saw Chip and Andrew, so they could collaborate about my situation in person. It was fun listening to them talk about what formulas I've been on and how we might tweak it moving forward. Although short on time, I got a quick thread moxa session but was totally crashed from noon until bedtime.
Thanksgiving day I felt amazing with a couple short low energy dips. Friday I got to see Brooke for cranial sacral therapy. Either she is getting more powerful with her healing touch, I'm getting more receptive, or both. She cleared up my sore throat, hip pain and gave me tons of energy. I went straight from there to Mollie for a past life regression, which was interesting. I'll write about that in my Shamanic Spirit Guide Sessions section.
I had a great realization this week: there is nothing I can get from anyone or anything on this earth that I don't already have access to. I have all the Love, strength, Truth, and inspiration that I need within me. My grasping is a consequence of a false belief that I need something outside myself for happiness or peace.
I had some really healing sessions this week starting Monday with Andrew. I had so much energy afterwards that I went to a coffee shop, went shoe shopping and drove myself home from downtown! I was awake for 4 hours in the middle of the night researching Chinese Medicine schools and Qigong teachers.
Tuesday I had an amazing therapy session with Jeff. He helped me realize that I'm still grasping in many areas of my life, despite having worked through so much in the last few months. I do have a tendency to obsess over things…job, sports, men, etc. It seems I've been so sick that instead of rising above some feelings, I just wasn't feeling much at all. I finally admitted and looked at my emotions: love, loneliness, frustration. I looked at what I was still wanting. When I let feelings rise, they often blew away in the wind as quickly as they came. Most interesting was that during our session, my swollen, raspy throat cleared up and my energy returned. My homework: let go, let go, let go.
Wednesday I saw Chip and Andrew, so they could collaborate about my situation in person. It was fun listening to them talk about what formulas I've been on and how we might tweak it moving forward. Although short on time, I got a quick thread moxa session but was totally crashed from noon until bedtime.
Thanksgiving day I felt amazing with a couple short low energy dips. Friday I got to see Brooke for cranial sacral therapy. Either she is getting more powerful with her healing touch, I'm getting more receptive, or both. She cleared up my sore throat, hip pain and gave me tons of energy. I went straight from there to Mollie for a past life regression, which was interesting. I'll write about that in my Shamanic Spirit Guide Sessions section.
I had a great realization this week: there is nothing I can get from anyone or anything on this earth that I don't already have access to. I have all the Love, strength, Truth, and inspiration that I need within me. My grasping is a consequence of a false belief that I need something outside myself for happiness or peace.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Serpent Dreams
After 8 days of being cocooned in stillness, the mesmerism broke. Yesterday morning I awoke with clear, wide eyes and enough energy to get out of bed. All day I walked and talked like a real, upright human being. It was delicious! I attribute my shift in health to a variety of factors. First, I sent out an email to my close friends, family and health practitioners Sunday night. The power of prayer manifesting health was ineluctable. My dad stayed up most of the night reading and praying. When he passed out on the couch, my brother came and said "Jim! Don't worry, Kira is healing".
I dreamt of a huge snake the same night. I never saw the whole body because he was hidden by leaves and brush, but I could tell the body was 4 to 5" in diameter. I had a small gun and shot him twice. It wasn't even necessary to find the body after I cleaned up the blood trail, because I knew he was dead. In the book Animal Speak many cultures have significance around snakes, serpents and dragons. Most think they are a sign of health and transformation. The shedding of skin is like dying and rebirth. The kundalini, or serpent fire, symbolizes the sexual / creative life force. It seems relevant that 8 days earlier, in my shamanic session, I had small black serpents removed from each DNA strand that transformed to dragons and flew away. The time between that instance and my snake dream were the worst I've had to date.
Another puzzle piece is the realization I had Sunday. I was feeling trapped in this physical state of dis-ease, thinking I had dealt with all my fixations and delusions first. As though I couldn't be healthy until I had forgiven everyone in my life, stopped judging completely, developed eternal patience, acceptance and equanimity. Suddenly the muddy water settled and I saw that I am perfect and whole right now. There is no waiting period like an insurance company.
Five days ago I switched back to my original Chinese herbal formula, which took me from sickness to health, mid-September to mid-October. Since I switched to a blood tonic a month ago, my health has been back sliding. I've also added many foods that could be disagreeable for the tummy and immune system.
Today I realized that talking usually makes me exhausted (a sign of deficient Lung Qi) but writing and emailing energizes me. The body is such an intricate and bizarre ecosystem!
I dreamt of a huge snake the same night. I never saw the whole body because he was hidden by leaves and brush, but I could tell the body was 4 to 5" in diameter. I had a small gun and shot him twice. It wasn't even necessary to find the body after I cleaned up the blood trail, because I knew he was dead. In the book Animal Speak many cultures have significance around snakes, serpents and dragons. Most think they are a sign of health and transformation. The shedding of skin is like dying and rebirth. The kundalini, or serpent fire, symbolizes the sexual / creative life force. It seems relevant that 8 days earlier, in my shamanic session, I had small black serpents removed from each DNA strand that transformed to dragons and flew away. The time between that instance and my snake dream were the worst I've had to date.
Another puzzle piece is the realization I had Sunday. I was feeling trapped in this physical state of dis-ease, thinking I had dealt with all my fixations and delusions first. As though I couldn't be healthy until I had forgiven everyone in my life, stopped judging completely, developed eternal patience, acceptance and equanimity. Suddenly the muddy water settled and I saw that I am perfect and whole right now. There is no waiting period like an insurance company.
Five days ago I switched back to my original Chinese herbal formula, which took me from sickness to health, mid-September to mid-October. Since I switched to a blood tonic a month ago, my health has been back sliding. I've also added many foods that could be disagreeable for the tummy and immune system.
Today I realized that talking usually makes me exhausted (a sign of deficient Lung Qi) but writing and emailing energizes me. The body is such an intricate and bizarre ecosystem!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Resistance
When you tell the universe you're ready to let go of everything in your life that isn't serving you, brace yourself. At some point every day in the last week, I was too weak to walk by myself and had slurred speech. I call these my molasses moments.
I recovered enough to go to a dinner party, but 20 minutes into it the molasses flood gate opened. My mother came to the rescue with moxa sticks. After holding this hot mugwort ember over my skin for 45 minutes I could walk by myself and talk at a normal pace again. We rushed (or shuffled) to the basement to play rock band, the video game / "music therapy". We named our band the Moxabitches. It was a pretty stunning debut with me propped up on pillows like a rag-doll with a plastic guitar.
I recovered enough to go to a dinner party, but 20 minutes into it the molasses flood gate opened. My mother came to the rescue with moxa sticks. After holding this hot mugwort ember over my skin for 45 minutes I could walk by myself and talk at a normal pace again. We rushed (or shuffled) to the basement to play rock band, the video game / "music therapy". We named our band the Moxabitches. It was a pretty stunning debut with me propped up on pillows like a rag-doll with a plastic guitar.
The next day I was so wiped after going to the People's Clinic to get indigent health care that both my parents had to help me walk. They took me to see Andrew (my acupuncturist) who put needles in many Qi ('chi' or life energy) points and lit moxa on top of them all. I felt like a flaming pin cushion but finally started to revive. We even taught my parents how to treat me and they became my moxa-slaves.
After days of frustration and waves of anger, fear and loneliness, the mesmerism broke. I realized that the universe was bringing me everything I was resisting so I could learn acceptance. Being trapped in my immobile body at times was bringing up the last vestiges of resistance. I couldn't run, hide or distract myself. In a complete moment of aloneness, I also felt universal oneness. Things I was judging and resisting were sustaining this image of separateness. This was most apparent in my feelings towards western medicine. I've always resisted it. Suddenly it was so clear that western medicine is the same as Chinese medicine, Ayurvedic medicine, Christian Science or shamanic work. They are all paths to health and healing. They all employ people that want to help humanity find balance in their lives. Why should I believe that one is better than any other? It's as ridiculous as someone thinking that their religion holds the Truth and all the other religions are just delusional. Truth is absolute. It doesn't discriminate.
This week I'm going to a western clinic to take some tests. I'm still going to school for Traditional Chinese Medicine, but there's no reason for me to discriminate or judge all the other paths to health. We will be much stronger if we work together.
I've also noticed my resistance to being helped. Mom says I came out of the womb this way…always wanting to do everything myself. If you look at pictures of me after the age of two, you can tell by my hilarious mis-matched clothing and shoes, usually on the wrong feet. So it's pretty humbling to have to ask your parents to help you walk or cook your food when it's a molasses moment. I'm still working on accepting this one with grace.
Most importantly, I've found accepting the present moment is the path of least resistance. Whatever is happening only seems bad, or like a problem, if I want it to be different. It seems I spent most of my life swimming upstream instead of relaxing and letting the current take me in the best direction. I'm only upset about my current situation when I want the present to be different. So, I'm trying to see the humor in this dream we call life and enjoy myself…or at least not resist whatever comes my way.
I've also noticed my resistance to being helped. Mom says I came out of the womb this way…always wanting to do everything myself. If you look at pictures of me after the age of two, you can tell by my hilarious mis-matched clothing and shoes, usually on the wrong feet. So it's pretty humbling to have to ask your parents to help you walk or cook your food when it's a molasses moment. I'm still working on accepting this one with grace.
Most importantly, I've found accepting the present moment is the path of least resistance. Whatever is happening only seems bad, or like a problem, if I want it to be different. It seems I spent most of my life swimming upstream instead of relaxing and letting the current take me in the best direction. I'm only upset about my current situation when I want the present to be different. So, I'm trying to see the humor in this dream we call life and enjoy myself…or at least not resist whatever comes my way.
Traditional Chinese Medicine progress
9.14.10
I had my first visit with Andrew Maloney today. He said I had very low chi (life energy) and it would take 1-3 months before I could work again. I started on his herbs, but they made me bloated so I had to start with ½ scoop per meal at first and slowly worked up to 2 scoops per meal (1 Tsp). After my body adjusted, I got definite energy boosts after taking the doses. I had coldness and some spleen dampness at a deep interior level.
I started doing moxabustion on my shin and lower belly chi building points twice a day for 5 minutes each. It noticeably brought me back from low energy every time I did this. When I was bloated or nauseous, I would do moxa on the points about 2 inches out from my belly button, which works every time. (Moxa is a technique where mugwort is put on the skin, on the end of acupuncture needles or in a cigar-like form held above the skin and used to build Qi)
I went to Chip Chase the next week and he was the first one to say “you have an autoimmune disorder”. He also said from Chinese medicine’s perspective, I had a weak spleen and kidneys and the obvious adrenal dysfunction I’ve had since Luke’s death 5 years ago. He told me to continue with Andrew since it was working.
I was telling Andrew about my experiences with Mollie and my spirit guides and how much work they were doing on my lungs and it felt like they had doubled in size. Also, Beth was working on improving my posture by working on my peck muscles. He pressed on my upper pecks and it was very sore right on the lung entrance acupuncture point, which was also right where the plug of sorrow was in my spirit guide session. He put needles there and my shoulders opened up immensely.
Every week he works on my chi building points, and has also done kidney, lungs, spleen, and gall bladder work.
10.5.10
I had the inspiration to study Chinese medicine after my meditation. It came so clear, like a voice from somewhere outside of me. When I saw Andrew later that day, I told him about this new progression, but said I was a little worried about having to stay in one place to develop a practice. Over the next couple days my slight fear melted away and it felt more right than any other decision in my life. I found out 2 weeks later that he had treated my gall bladder points, which enable people to make decisions. I was out of harmony, which was apparent since I couldn’t decide on anything in my life.
10.18.10
I switched to a blood tonic and was nauseous for 2 days, then only for 30 minutes after drinking it on the third day. It took a week to build up to 2 scoops twice a day but the new formula threw off my sleep until he adjusted it the next week.
10.22.10
I went to Brenyn Williams for a treatment. He said my left side was still weak as well as my heart and lungs. He did my lung points on the wrists and some point that helps with “letting go” and I finally took my first complete bowel movement in months when I got home.
10.25.10
I saw Andrew and was telling him how fried I was from traveling to Indiana for the wedding (had to be taken in a wheel chair from the plane to the car) and from the wedding the next weekend. I hadn’t exercised at all and seemed to be most exhausted from talking. It was also noticeable at work when I was training, which always made me exhausted. He said it was because my lungs were weak. He treated the wrist lung points and told me to add these points into my moxa daily practice. I also started taking Cordyceps twice a day, which is a mushroom from the Himalayas that is for building immune systems and lung chi. I felt amazing after these new shifts.
Apparently the left side of the body is the yang side, which is interesting that it’s weaker in my chi, body and internal organs and pulses. I wonder if it’s because my accident, or if I was so out of balance by being too yang (drinking, overworking, sex, activity, loud, boisterous, etc), and that’s why I crashed into yin (slow, cold, exhausted, introspective, quiet, weak, dark, etc). When I bring my yang side back into balance, I hope to have more equanimity and not do the wild pendulum swings again.
11.1.10
In trying to understand my condition through Chinese Medicine, I have a cold/ damp/ interior condition. This is a Yin condition, which means we are building my Yang. In “The Web That Has No Weaver”, it states “Cold’s pain is sharp, cramping, and relieved by warm compresses, while Dampness’s distress is more bloating, heavy, pressured. Cold may have more trouble connecting in relationships, but Dampness can be clinging or over nurturing” (p.152). It’s clear I’ve had a Cold condition for many years. I got the Damp condition more recently, but it’s still very slight compared to the Coldness.
Internal Cold means insufficient Yang and relates to the Kidneys and shows in frequent urination and edema (swelling: Fire unable to control Water). Both of these symptoms have greatly improved in the last month, but the bloating is still there when I introduce a new food or feel really low energy. Fear is the emotion of the Kidneys and if the Cold affects one’s Will, it will appear as deeply passive, having another’s will dominate and feeling excessively guilty. This was very apparent with my ex-fiance and the guilt shows now with my parents and having to accept money from them for health care. Also important to note is that “sexual dysfunction can be a sign of Kidney disharmony as well as lead to Kidney disharmony” (p.163)
If the Cold came on as a sudden Pernicious Influence, it will come with chills, fever, headache and body aches. This was the case when we got mono out east on Halloween 2008. Cold and Dampness also affect the Spleen, whose emotion is worry. Too much of this emotion can cause Dampness or Qi stagnation and manifest in the body as poor digestion and stomach distention, which I obviously had plenty of.
Another important emotion in my case is grief or sadness, which is associated with the Lungs. Even before Luke passed on, I had exercise-induced asthma, and a deeply sad depression. Once he passed, these attacks became more anxiety/panic attacks, like hyperventilating. The Nei Jing states that “excess sadness and greif weakens the Qi”.
Deficient Blood manifests as tension, restlessness, tightness, jumpiness, absence of responsiveness and receptivity. Besides the jumpiness, I had all these symptoms. It can be caused by insufficient Spleen Qi and has signs of dizziness/ instability (I often tip over while doing yoga recently), thin emaciated body (I went from 120 to just over 100 lbs), spots or impaired vision (my vision becomes cloudy and narrow when I was fully crashed), poor memory (I still can’t remember simple words regularly), weak tremors, tightness or cramps (my body ached all of August and is now tight), numbness in limbs (I often awoke with numb hands), dry skin or hair (my skin was so dry, no amount of lotion helped), scanty menses (I went 3 and a half months without a period), pale and lusterless face, lips and tongue (everyone at work said I was pale and green), and thin pulse (definitely the case).
Blood deficiency can manifest insomnia, headaches, constipation, or dry then wet stool, which I’ve had since I got sick in early August.
Deficient Qi shows as “weakness or lethargy; pale bright face; shallow respiration; low, soft voice; little desire to speak; dislike of movement; spontaneous sweating; easily lose focus; a passive introverted manner; pale tongue material; and empty, frail or otherwise weak pulse” (p.240). Besides the spontaneous sweating, I had or still have all these symptoms.
Deficient Yang includes Deficient Qi and diminished Fire or the “appearance of Cold”. This affects the body at a deeper level. Symptoms are slow movement, aversion to cold, slow pulse, puffy tongue, and cold limbs.
Stagnant Qi is a pattern of excess that happens when Qi is stuck in a particular organ. This may result from “emotional or dietary imbalances, External Pernicious Influences, or trauma” (p.241). Often manifests as distention and soreness, of which I had and have both. Psychologically becomes frustration, tension, and moodiness.
Deficient Spleen Qi has signs such as “chronic fatigue, lack of motivation and desire, appetite disorder, poor digestion, watery stool, abdominal distention, pale tongue material with thin, white moss, and empty pulse” (p.245). Besides the watery stool, which I had prior to August, all these describe my condition.
11.4.10
I saw Andrew today. He did some regular points to build Qi, then added a pericardium point on my sternum. It was sharp, then heavy pressure and he asked if I was feeling any emotions. I said sadness, then started to cry. He asked why I always had to be so strong for everyone. I told him I didn’t like asking for help and felt guilty having my parents pay for some of my health care. After I finished crying, I felt much more open in my heart. Although I had some anger arise. Andrew said it meant that my body was coming back online.
11.5.10
I had a great session with Brenyn today. We worked more on my pericardium, spleen, heart and lungs. I was about to ask him about taking Qi Gong classes and he said I should practice the breathing technique called the Microcosmic Orbit, which I learned somewhere before. Today there was no more crying, but I felt very calm and relaxed afterwards. I even had enough energy to go walk through the Front Range Community College campus and go shopping for over an hour before having an energy crash.
11.6.10
When my mom heard about the shamanic session, she knew exactly which neighbor was the molestation culprit. Apparently, there were neighbors that had two daughters and one later confided in my mother that her stepfather had oral sex with her every night from very young until she was 12. She had blocked it out and learned of it when she was under hypnosis.
I introduced Triphala (an Indian fruit blend for tonifying and cleansing intestines) and agave sweetener. I started my period, which is the first one I’ve had in over 3 months. I ate three meals with no bloating and had two friends over to visit. There was a deep sense of peace and clarity all afternoon. I felt no grasping or pushing away.
At 5 I went on a bike ride, all down hill, from campus to 55th and Pearl. By the time dad picked me up I could hardly hold my body or head up. I slumped silently in the front seat and had jello legs when I got home. I needed help getting up the stairs and collapsed onto the couch. I revived enough after moxa to be able to talk and eat dinner.
11.8.10
Some interesting discoveries:
When my wrist lung points are weak, chanting and singing are too. When my lung Qi is strong, so is my voice. Since the pericardium session on the 4th, I’ve had new emotions surface, like sadness, anger, frustration and jealousy. It’s like I’m picking them up off the shelf and looking at them. They wash over me and then dissolve back into nothingness, like ocean waves. I wonder if my constant tendency to turn off streetlights when I walk under them is my body’s way of trying to get more Qi from the universe. If Qi Gong practitioners can turn on lights by touching them, it would make sense that my lack of Qi would draw the electricity out of lamps and electronics, which it has been doing for years. This morning during meditation, I practiced the microcosmic orbit of Qi flow. The first two cycles, the energy got stuck in my third eye and felt like strong pressure. I finally got it to lower. Once finished, I opened my palms and head chakra and with each inhale brought in universal Qi. I felt it flowing in and around my body like warm vibrations.
11.9.10
After accidentally ignoring a flurry of angel thoughts yesterday, I had a total system melt down. I didn't listen to the thought that I shouldn't go to the mac store, take food and jacket with me or skip my nutrition appointment with Neely since I felt so bad. The consequence was 12 hours prone, needing assistance to walk and being unable to really talk. There were moments of frustration, but mostly acceptance.
This morning, I still felt very low energy and had difficulty getting around the house. During my meditation I slumped against the bed and started crying. Barely able to get up and walk to the couch, I called one of my health practitioners. I had waves of fear and loneliness threaten to engulf me, but I stayed present with them. Letting them rise and fall away. We bounced ideas around and I realized that my biggest fear is being trapped. Not dead, but trapped in my body and unable to move. This was the only way the universe could get my attention so that I would let parts of me die. I remembered that I told Gandalf on Saturday that I was ready for my funeral (ie: to release all my karmic delusions). Being trapped in my immobile body brought all my hang ups flying to the forefront of my existence. I accepted my oneness, the dream of this life and all my other lives, my immanent death,and the reality that I'm not in control. I'm just a creative manifestation of the Divine Oneness. I've been asking for direction and advice… but have been a bad listener. I'm trying though!
11.6 - 11.14
Every day during this period at some point I needed help walking and had difficulty talking. My speech was slurred and slow, like I was about to run out of juice in my batteries. When I was low energy, standing up from the couch was so hard, as though I had no muscle in my legs. Even getting my body to sit up was sometimes impossible. Moxa usually helped revive me.
11.17.10
I noticed that when I didn't talk all morning I had WAY more energy, so I was silent until my acupuncture appointment with Andrew at 3. He and Chip think I have a "Yang collapse". I'm not sure what that means yet, but it sounds like I don't have an extreme case. Instead of having Deficient Lung, Spleen and Kidney Qi, Deficient Qi in general, Deficient Blood and a bit of dampness to my spleen, my whole yang collapsed, which affects all systems. It manifests in low energy, always cold, trouble digesting food, walking, talking, etc. I started a Yang building formula today (a tea that I cooked for 45 minutes), which made me slightly nauseous and low energy until I did moxa (smokeless mugwort). It tasted super strong and not very good. Andrew gave me some thread moxa (Japanese style) to start using. I will do 5 rice grain sized pieces on each of my 5 points (2 shin, 1 below belly button and lung points on the inside of each wrist) twice a day. I also got tested for anemia and hypothyroidism at the People's Clinic yesterday.
11.19.10
My test results showed that I'm not anemic, and have a normal functioning thyroid and liver and my electrolyte levels are normal. I crashed again yesterday afternoon and needed help walking. The new tonic was Yang building, so very warming, which was nice. It didn't seem to build enough Qi to keep me functioning though. This morning I was barely able to get out of bed and had to do moxa while I ate to stay upright. After a 30 minute meditation I crawled onto bed and collapsed, unable to move or speak. Luckily my dad came in a few minutes later and Brenyn arrived for an acupuncture / massage house call. I needed help getting to the table and I collapsed in tears. I began sweating profusely until we got my robe off. When I stopped crying, I was damp and cooler. Brenyn did Qi building points and PTSD protocol ear points. I was revived after the treatment and could walk and talk by myself. He suggested adding Rosemary to my meals, which builds Yang and to try Damiana as well. He's the one who suggested Trifala, which has made my bowels regular again.
My new formula tastes amazing! It warmed me and gave me some energy. I hope this is the one I can stick with for awhile. The cooking is very natural and soothing, instead of the granulars, which could be anything.
Ingredients: Fu Zi- 4.5g, Gan Jiang- 6g, Dang Shen- 9g, Bai Zhu- 6g, Zhi Gan Cao- 6g.
Thread moxa is fun too, although it's so labor intensive I have to have enough energy. It's good for my ambidextrous nature and coordination. It definitely takes timing to not burn the skin with the small rice-grain-sized pieces that I light on fire.
I'm glad that I let go of my resistance to western medicine enough to get some tests run, but I could never work in that environment. Learning about Traditional Chinese Medicine through my condition is so fascinating. TCM completely resonates and I can hardly wait until September to start the program. I'm so fortunate that Andrew wants an apprentice so I can begin my learning as soon as I'm a little better.
11.22.10
11.6 - 11.14
Every day during this period at some point I needed help walking and had difficulty talking. My speech was slurred and slow, like I was about to run out of juice in my batteries. When I was low energy, standing up from the couch was so hard, as though I had no muscle in my legs. Even getting my body to sit up was sometimes impossible. Moxa usually helped revive me.
11.17.10
I noticed that when I didn't talk all morning I had WAY more energy, so I was silent until my acupuncture appointment with Andrew at 3. He and Chip think I have a "Yang collapse". I'm not sure what that means yet, but it sounds like I don't have an extreme case. Instead of having Deficient Lung, Spleen and Kidney Qi, Deficient Qi in general, Deficient Blood and a bit of dampness to my spleen, my whole yang collapsed, which affects all systems. It manifests in low energy, always cold, trouble digesting food, walking, talking, etc. I started a Yang building formula today (a tea that I cooked for 45 minutes), which made me slightly nauseous and low energy until I did moxa (smokeless mugwort). It tasted super strong and not very good. Andrew gave me some thread moxa (Japanese style) to start using. I will do 5 rice grain sized pieces on each of my 5 points (2 shin, 1 below belly button and lung points on the inside of each wrist) twice a day. I also got tested for anemia and hypothyroidism at the People's Clinic yesterday.
11.19.10
My test results showed that I'm not anemic, and have a normal functioning thyroid and liver and my electrolyte levels are normal. I crashed again yesterday afternoon and needed help walking. The new tonic was Yang building, so very warming, which was nice. It didn't seem to build enough Qi to keep me functioning though. This morning I was barely able to get out of bed and had to do moxa while I ate to stay upright. After a 30 minute meditation I crawled onto bed and collapsed, unable to move or speak. Luckily my dad came in a few minutes later and Brenyn arrived for an acupuncture / massage house call. I needed help getting to the table and I collapsed in tears. I began sweating profusely until we got my robe off. When I stopped crying, I was damp and cooler. Brenyn did Qi building points and PTSD protocol ear points. I was revived after the treatment and could walk and talk by myself. He suggested adding Rosemary to my meals, which builds Yang and to try Damiana as well. He's the one who suggested Trifala, which has made my bowels regular again.
My new formula tastes amazing! It warmed me and gave me some energy. I hope this is the one I can stick with for awhile. The cooking is very natural and soothing, instead of the granulars, which could be anything.
Ingredients: Fu Zi- 4.5g, Gan Jiang- 6g, Dang Shen- 9g, Bai Zhu- 6g, Zhi Gan Cao- 6g.
Thread moxa is fun too, although it's so labor intensive I have to have enough energy. It's good for my ambidextrous nature and coordination. It definitely takes timing to not burn the skin with the small rice-grain-sized pieces that I light on fire.
I'm glad that I let go of my resistance to western medicine enough to get some tests run, but I could never work in that environment. Learning about Traditional Chinese Medicine through my condition is so fascinating. TCM completely resonates and I can hardly wait until September to start the program. I'm so fortunate that Andrew wants an apprentice so I can begin my learning as soon as I'm a little better.
11.22.10
Finally started to feel better today and haven't needed help walking at all! It seems to take 3-4 days for a new formula to take full affect. Andrew added more of the Qi builders in my Yang formula today. We're giving it 24 more hours before we decide to stick with this one or go back to the original granular Qi tonic. I like cooking the "twigs and berries" style tonic, but want whatever will get me back on my feet quickest. I was able to go to a coffee shop, walk around the corner to go shoe shopping and drive myself home. This is a vast improvement over the massive crashes I've had for the last 4 days, needing help moving, walking, eating and being unable to talk at times. I've noticed that the crashes come on quicker and I revive equally fast in the last week.
11.24.10
Today I went to Chip's office and Andrew met me there. It was interesting talking with them both and watching them put their heads together to come up with the right formula for me. While I was trying to understand what happened to make me feel so great on the 22nd and be awake for 4 hours in the middle of the night, I made a list. On the 19th, I started the new Yang/Qi tonic. On the 21st I quit my fish oil because I found it had soy in it (and took it for 25 days). On the 22nd I quit taking Trifala because Andrew thought it was too eliminatory right now. I started wearing a crystal around my neck on the 22nd and was able to talk freely and energetically. Also that day, I re-boiled 2 herb bags because I was out of fresh ones. I drank the whole thing in one day, making me think that's why I was up half the night.
11.29.10
Brenyn came over today and I noticed that he did most of the same points that Andrew does: Spleen 3, top of the foot, Stomach 36, Lung wrist, back of hand, top of forearm by elbow. He asked if I was being treated for my heart and said that as a fire sign and emotive woman, this is the organ I lead with. I know he's right. We also discovered that when I eat between 5 & 7pm, I'm always bloated. This is when Qi is in the Kidney channel, which is one of my weakest. I'm going to try eating before 5, then having a snack just after 9 (because it's in Pericardium from 7-9, which is where I was hiding my grief). We'll see how that goes. What a fascinating medicine!
12.3.10
I had an appointment with Susannah Grace Carleton and it was great timing since I was super depressed and crying the night before. I woke up dragging ass and had to do threads and smokeless before I could get myself there. I cried a lot at our appointment and she did the points on the bottom of my feet and one on the crown of my head. Afterwards I felt much less depressed but was still low energy and spent 10 hours on the couch from lunchtime on.
12.4.10
My formula changed to : Fu Zi- 4.5g, Gan Jiang- 6g, Ginseng- 6g, Bai Zhu- 6g, Zhi Gan Cao- 6g. The ginseng substitute for the Dang Shen seems to really be helping my energy level.
12.6.10
I started apprenticing with Andrew today and talked for 4 hours! I'm super psyched to learn from he and Eric. He threw in some liver points and 2 new ones to help with my sore throat from all the talking. I have had much more energy since my cycle actually started and it's my first real one since July. I even lifted weights yesterday and cooked for 3 hours. It felt great!
12.8.10
After all the talking Monday I was very low energy Tuesday and today. I didn't crash so bad that I couldn't walk, but was close yesterday afternoon. I laid on the couch for an hour waiting for my mom to come home and get my food and moxa. I guess I overdid it Monday, but it felt so good to talk and feel like a normal, energetic person again! Andrew worked on me at noon and I was recovering energy all afternoon.
12.10.10
I had a great session with Brenyn today. He did Spleen 3 and 6, stomach 36 and 3 points on my wrist, lung, heart and pericardium. We both think my lungs and heart need more attention. This was affirmed by my crash in Pier 1 yesterday, where I went from feeling amazing to walking slow, slurred speech and a very sore throat within 5 minutes in the store. I'm sure it's the smells and my body's incapability to protect itself against them. I feel defenseless against people's energy, loud noise and concentrated smells. Brenyn says it's my Lung Qi not governing my Protective Qi. He brought me a couple pieces of old Ginseng from the himalayas and a few schizandra berries, which are supposed to help the liver, lungs, adrenals and are a great adaptogen. I only had one because I first want to see if the new formula cooking approach helps. I cooked the ginseng for 45 minutes separately, then added the rest and cooked for another 45 minutes. The ginseng flavor is definitely stronger than it was before, so I'll be curious to see how my energy feels.
12.13.10
Two days ago I felt great and lifted weights, then did the bicycle for 10 minutes. When I got home I vacuumed my car, filled the air in the tires and met a couple to show it to them. I started bonking so came home for moxa and laid on the couch for a few hours. Then I went to see the movie Burlesque. It was loud and flashy and when I got home I had a migraine and crashed completely after eating chicken at 7:30. I couldn't walk the rest of the night and needed help walking to the kitchen table yesterday when I woke up. I was barely functioning all day and needed help walking most of it and cried a lot. I got myself around today and drove to Andrew's this morning. We had a good session and I didn't talk as much as usual because I was sad and he was seeing another patient downstairs. He did tan tine, kidney, stomach, and spleen points on my front, and one in my throat to help it open up. Then kidney inner and outer on my lower back and new heart points on my upper back that were very sharp at first. I felt better and got to put together 3 formula bags for myself, with Wu Wei Zi (schizandra berries) added. My new formula is:
Fu Zi -6g, Gan Jiang -6g, Bai Zhu -6g, Zhi Gan Cao -6g, Ren Shen (ginseng) -6g, Wu Wei Zi -3g
11.24.10
Today I went to Chip's office and Andrew met me there. It was interesting talking with them both and watching them put their heads together to come up with the right formula for me. While I was trying to understand what happened to make me feel so great on the 22nd and be awake for 4 hours in the middle of the night, I made a list. On the 19th, I started the new Yang/Qi tonic. On the 21st I quit my fish oil because I found it had soy in it (and took it for 25 days). On the 22nd I quit taking Trifala because Andrew thought it was too eliminatory right now. I started wearing a crystal around my neck on the 22nd and was able to talk freely and energetically. Also that day, I re-boiled 2 herb bags because I was out of fresh ones. I drank the whole thing in one day, making me think that's why I was up half the night.
11.29.10
Brenyn came over today and I noticed that he did most of the same points that Andrew does: Spleen 3, top of the foot, Stomach 36, Lung wrist, back of hand, top of forearm by elbow. He asked if I was being treated for my heart and said that as a fire sign and emotive woman, this is the organ I lead with. I know he's right. We also discovered that when I eat between 5 & 7pm, I'm always bloated. This is when Qi is in the Kidney channel, which is one of my weakest. I'm going to try eating before 5, then having a snack just after 9 (because it's in Pericardium from 7-9, which is where I was hiding my grief). We'll see how that goes. What a fascinating medicine!
12.3.10
I had an appointment with Susannah Grace Carleton and it was great timing since I was super depressed and crying the night before. I woke up dragging ass and had to do threads and smokeless before I could get myself there. I cried a lot at our appointment and she did the points on the bottom of my feet and one on the crown of my head. Afterwards I felt much less depressed but was still low energy and spent 10 hours on the couch from lunchtime on.
12.4.10
My formula changed to : Fu Zi- 4.5g, Gan Jiang- 6g, Ginseng- 6g, Bai Zhu- 6g, Zhi Gan Cao- 6g. The ginseng substitute for the Dang Shen seems to really be helping my energy level.
12.6.10
I started apprenticing with Andrew today and talked for 4 hours! I'm super psyched to learn from he and Eric. He threw in some liver points and 2 new ones to help with my sore throat from all the talking. I have had much more energy since my cycle actually started and it's my first real one since July. I even lifted weights yesterday and cooked for 3 hours. It felt great!
12.8.10
After all the talking Monday I was very low energy Tuesday and today. I didn't crash so bad that I couldn't walk, but was close yesterday afternoon. I laid on the couch for an hour waiting for my mom to come home and get my food and moxa. I guess I overdid it Monday, but it felt so good to talk and feel like a normal, energetic person again! Andrew worked on me at noon and I was recovering energy all afternoon.
12.10.10
I had a great session with Brenyn today. He did Spleen 3 and 6, stomach 36 and 3 points on my wrist, lung, heart and pericardium. We both think my lungs and heart need more attention. This was affirmed by my crash in Pier 1 yesterday, where I went from feeling amazing to walking slow, slurred speech and a very sore throat within 5 minutes in the store. I'm sure it's the smells and my body's incapability to protect itself against them. I feel defenseless against people's energy, loud noise and concentrated smells. Brenyn says it's my Lung Qi not governing my Protective Qi. He brought me a couple pieces of old Ginseng from the himalayas and a few schizandra berries, which are supposed to help the liver, lungs, adrenals and are a great adaptogen. I only had one because I first want to see if the new formula cooking approach helps. I cooked the ginseng for 45 minutes separately, then added the rest and cooked for another 45 minutes. The ginseng flavor is definitely stronger than it was before, so I'll be curious to see how my energy feels.
12.13.10
Two days ago I felt great and lifted weights, then did the bicycle for 10 minutes. When I got home I vacuumed my car, filled the air in the tires and met a couple to show it to them. I started bonking so came home for moxa and laid on the couch for a few hours. Then I went to see the movie Burlesque. It was loud and flashy and when I got home I had a migraine and crashed completely after eating chicken at 7:30. I couldn't walk the rest of the night and needed help walking to the kitchen table yesterday when I woke up. I was barely functioning all day and needed help walking most of it and cried a lot. I got myself around today and drove to Andrew's this morning. We had a good session and I didn't talk as much as usual because I was sad and he was seeing another patient downstairs. He did tan tine, kidney, stomach, and spleen points on my front, and one in my throat to help it open up. Then kidney inner and outer on my lower back and new heart points on my upper back that were very sharp at first. I felt better and got to put together 3 formula bags for myself, with Wu Wei Zi (schizandra berries) added. My new formula is:
Fu Zi -6g, Gan Jiang -6g, Bai Zhu -6g, Zhi Gan Cao -6g, Ren Shen (ginseng) -6g, Wu Wei Zi -3g
The LEAP diet: Food Sensitivities, Allergies & Intolerances
On August 20th, I was laid off from work and started my LEAP diet plan. This came from a test I took with my nutritionist, Neely Quinn, to discover what my food sensitivities were. Since I was bloated and/or nauseous every time I ate, it was clear that something was awry in my belly. She happily endured my daily calls and texts while I panicked over how to cook with such limited options and interpret my body’s reactions to food.
It was confusing at first to understand the difference between food allergies, intolerances and sensitivities. How the LEAP report defines them are as follows:
Food Allergy: The most extreme version is anaphylactic shock, which is a massive release of histamines in response to food. The immunological triggering mechanism that causes the mast cells to release their chemicals is called IgE. Adverse reactions need only one molecule and occur within minutes. It’s usually limited to airways, skin and gastrointestinal tract. Only 1-2% of the population is affected.
Food Sensitivity: These can affect any organ in the body and take 45 minutes to 3 days to materialize. It is usually a chronic problem and is dose dependant. The immunologic mechanisms are white blood cells, IgG, IgM, C3 and C4. An estimated 20-30% of the population suffers from this condition and the affects vary widely.
Food Intolerance: Can produce similar adverse digestive reactions as sensitivities, but doesn’t involve the immune system. When the food is ingested, it can’t be properly digested and ferments in the gut. Lactose and gluten are the most common intolerance and usually causes bloating, diarrhea and gas.
In April of 2010 I found out I had both genes for gluten intolerance and was allergic to dairy. This was pretty crushing considering what a bread and cheese addict I was. I felt so much better when I took them out that it seemed worth it. In less than a month, the bloating crept back in. This time I traced it to soy. Once removed, I was less bloated, but it still persisted. I went to an allergy elimination specialist who added nuts to the list of allergic foods, but said I was having a systemic problem, so he couldn’t really work on my allergies until that was addressed. He thought it was candida and a parasite, so I did cleanses for them, which added crushing fatigue to my symptom list. I finally took Neely’s advice and took the LEAP food sensitivities test.
I was most crushed by finding out chocolate and grapes were my two most sensitive foods. I guess all those nights indulging in both red wine and chocolate with my boyfriend weren’t helping matters. It was interesting that I was also sensitive to coconut and olives, which I ate in some form every day too.
Week 1: Aug. 20 - Aug. 26 2010
The first week was very restrictive and I had a headache all day every day. I quit taking my mood stabilizing naturopathic pills, vitamins and adrenal support, which was a bit terrifying, but I just couldn’t stomach them. I was able to eat eggs, chicken, salmon, spinach, celery, green peppers, cranberries, cabbage, ginger, mustard powder, tomatoes and sesame oil. If you’re counting, which I was, that’s 12 items. During that week, I realized peppers weren’t working. I also tried pecans, which “DESTROYED” me. By destroyed I mean I could barely walk or talk. Down to 11.
On my sheet where I keep track of everything I eat, how I feel before and after every meal, my bowel movements, and my daily practices, it was pretty obvious how I felt: exhausted, bloated, nauseous, headaches, and constipated. I slept 8-10 hours almost every day.
Week 2: Aug. 27 - Sept. 2
Technically I was allowed to start adding one food per day from the second phase list on day 8, but Neely said I couldn’t add anything until I went 24 hours without a headache. On day 11 I added 5-HTP (serotonin support for depression) and it took 48 hours to recover. I was slumped listlessly on the couch. On day 13, I added beets. They were the most divine taste ever!! I also added kale that week. Descriptions from this week include “barely able to lift my head, exhausted, weak, bloated, lethargic, like walking thru peanut butter, energized!, slight nausea, headache, dragging and hungry!” I started taking L-glutamine to repair my leaky gut and HCL to help with digestion. I went to work once to train for 4 hours, which crushed me. I started waking up in the middle of the night to eat or pee, and was often unable to fall asleep until late. The serotonin was obviously wearing off.
Week 3: Sept. 3 – Sept. 9
I started feeling a bit better this week and was able to introduce lamb, avocados, blueberries, cucumbers, garlic and mint. I found that red tomatoes didn’t work, but if I ate yellow tomatoes that were cooked, I was much less bloated. This week I had a lot of “good and decent” mixed in with the bloating and headaches. With 2 HCL every meal, I was able to eat lots of protein. Chicken thighs with all the fat left on them tasted like heaven and were helping put some more meat on my bones. I was still constipated and waking up most nights to eat and/ or pee, but definitely making slow improvements.
Week 4: Sept. 10 – Sept. 16
I started recording when I was waking up, since it was the middle of every night. It was almost 3:30 am on the dot every time. Obviously my serotonin supply had exited the premises, but I still wasn’t depressed! On Sept.14 (day 25), I found a great Chinese Medicine practitioner, Andrew Maloney. He helped my sore throat dissolve and gave me some herbs. I got super bloated and lethargic the first time I had them, so I went down to ½ scoop with each meal and slowly built up to 3 scoops per meal. I added cauliflower, sunflower seeds, black pepper, and onions. Everything worked except the sunflower seeds. I got the same feeling I had with chocolate and red wine…like it was crack and I couldn’t stop shoveling it into my face. I was ridiculously bloated, but had discovered moxabustion, so could take care of it.
Week 5 & 6: Sept. 17 – Oct. 4
I was busy packing and moving in with my parents the last weekend in September. I managed to take a few loads of stuff up and down the stairs before total exhaustion. The packing, moving and unpacking process was super draining, but I felt less stress having unloaded my apartment and enormous rent. I introduced bison, asparagus, zucchini, salad greens, tuna, broccoli and carrots. My sleep became regular with the Chinese herbs.
Week 7: Oct. 4 – Oct. 10
Much of the week was described by “good”, although there are still some headaches and bloating. I introduced fish oil, pork sausage (which made me exhausted with a headache), liver, probiotics, lemongrass, tahini, oregano, turkey bacon and sprinkle enzymes. I also tried eating out at Larkburger, which was a disaster. On day 50 I went rock climbing for the first time and did 3 easy climbs on top rope! Progress!!
Week 8: Oct. 11 – Oct. 17
I was feeling pretty good until we went to Indiana for my cousin’s wedding. Although great to see friends and family, I realized that socializing leaves me completely exhausted. I had to get wheeled from the airport back to our car. Luckily, I made enough food and carried it on the plane to last the whole 56-hour trip. I took what I’ve named Gelatinous Goo Stew, which has a bone marrow broth and also introduced seaweed this week.
Week 9: Oct. 18 – Oct. 24:
The day after I returned from Indiana, I introduced new Chinese herbs, a blood tonic, which made me nauseous. I also introduced brussel sprouts and tapioca flour. I started making crepes for more carbs. I was waking up in the middle of the night again and feeling pretty crappy. I went to another wedding on Saturday, brought my own food and felt complete exhaustion the whole next day.
Week 10: Oct. 25 – Oct. 31
I felt decent this week with a few bouts of nausea and bloating. I introduced sauerkraut, licorice, coriander, fennel, pear (bloating), cordyceps (nauseous), coconut (bloating), arrowroot, Siberian ginseng, lemongrass and stevia. On Friday I took a hike in Chataqua that was over an hour. I was wrecked the rest of the weekend and didn’t leave the house for 3 days.
Week 11: Nov. 1 – Nov. 7
Lots of headaches, burping, gassy, nauseous, bloated. It felt like I was having a system shut down. I quit eating meat for 3 days and started blending all my foods to make it easier on my body. It looked like I was eating pink baby food. Saturday afternoon I had my first period in 3.5 months and I took a bike ride late afternoon. I was unable to walk by myself afterwards and could barely talk. I slept for 12 hours that night and didn’t leave the house Sunday.
Week 12: Nov. 8 - Nov. 14
This was my worst week on record. I needed help walking at some point during each day. I removed coconut from my diet because it was still suspect. On Thursday the 11th, Andrew put me back on the original formula, which I was on from mid-September to mid-October and had me feeling great by the end. It took my headaches away the next day, but took 3 days to revive my energy. I introduced mango (in a warm compote) and raspberry jam (with sugar), which gave me a headache.
Week 13: Nov. 15 - Nov. 21
On Monday morning, 3.5 days after returning to the original Qi building formula, I felt great. I didn't crash until after my 2 hour hair appointment, boot shopping and part way into my People's Clinic appointment. I recovered when I got home. I switched to a Yang building tonic Wednesday night and was nauseous and low energy afterwards until I did moxa. The only new introduction was chewable vitamin C and Chinese herbs. On Friday Andrew added more Qi building herbs to my formula, which gave me more energy and tasted better. I had big energy crashes every day between Thursday and Sunday with bouts of nausea but was definitely warm. I seem to only get bloated when I'm low energy, despite what I eat.
Week 14: Nov. 22 - Nov. 28
The 28th was day 100! I can't believe how time flies. I must be the healthiest person alive now! I'm improving again this week. My lows aren't so low that I can't function. Besides explosive diarrhea after Thanksgiving dinner, I felt pretty good. This week I quit fish oil because the brand my parents got me 26 days earlier had SOY in it! I also quit Trifala because Andrew doesn't want me to be losing any more Qi than I have to (although I loved how regular it made me). I introduced artichoke, orange, hibiscus, schizandra berry, apple, pineapple, pumpkin, nutmeg, sunchokes (my new favorite veggie), peppers and vitamin D3. I found that digesting meat uses more Qi than I often have, so have been eating less of it, especially at night when I'm low. All in all, my diet feels great and I'm using my intuition and muscle testing to know what to eat when and what foods to add.
Week 15: Nov. 29 - Dec. 5
On Tuesday this week I woke up a bit depressed, which came and went all week until I started my cycle on Saturday (my first real one since July!) I was super gassy this week too, probably also related. All in all, I felt good energy this week besides Friday afternoon, when I couldn't walk and spent 10 hours on the couch. On Wednesday I realized I had been eating sugar in some form (honey, coconut sap, agave) everyday for a week since Thanksgiving and my elbow tendonitis and depression had returned. I cut all sugar out until Sunday night, which helped make my cramps and psychosis less. I added cilantro and sweet potatoes successfully and rooibos tea unsuccessfully (was slow and bloated afterwards). I had enough energy Sunday to start lifting weights!
Week 16: Dec. 6 - Dec. 12
Well, it was an up and down week. I had my most energetic day on Monday and a complete crash on Sunday with most everything in between. I introduced blackberry, parsnip, rutabaga 'Life Essence' vitamin drink and dill. Unfortunately, I realized that my intuition that some foods have developed sensitivities was right. We muscle tested foods and I failed with garlic, black pepper, tapioca, spinach, beets and sunchokes. Looks like I need to start over to an extent to make my body happy again. I'll out smart my immune system!
Week 12: Nov. 8 - Nov. 14
This was my worst week on record. I needed help walking at some point during each day. I removed coconut from my diet because it was still suspect. On Thursday the 11th, Andrew put me back on the original formula, which I was on from mid-September to mid-October and had me feeling great by the end. It took my headaches away the next day, but took 3 days to revive my energy. I introduced mango (in a warm compote) and raspberry jam (with sugar), which gave me a headache.
Week 13: Nov. 15 - Nov. 21
On Monday morning, 3.5 days after returning to the original Qi building formula, I felt great. I didn't crash until after my 2 hour hair appointment, boot shopping and part way into my People's Clinic appointment. I recovered when I got home. I switched to a Yang building tonic Wednesday night and was nauseous and low energy afterwards until I did moxa. The only new introduction was chewable vitamin C and Chinese herbs. On Friday Andrew added more Qi building herbs to my formula, which gave me more energy and tasted better. I had big energy crashes every day between Thursday and Sunday with bouts of nausea but was definitely warm. I seem to only get bloated when I'm low energy, despite what I eat.
Week 14: Nov. 22 - Nov. 28
The 28th was day 100! I can't believe how time flies. I must be the healthiest person alive now! I'm improving again this week. My lows aren't so low that I can't function. Besides explosive diarrhea after Thanksgiving dinner, I felt pretty good. This week I quit fish oil because the brand my parents got me 26 days earlier had SOY in it! I also quit Trifala because Andrew doesn't want me to be losing any more Qi than I have to (although I loved how regular it made me). I introduced artichoke, orange, hibiscus, schizandra berry, apple, pineapple, pumpkin, nutmeg, sunchokes (my new favorite veggie), peppers and vitamin D3. I found that digesting meat uses more Qi than I often have, so have been eating less of it, especially at night when I'm low. All in all, my diet feels great and I'm using my intuition and muscle testing to know what to eat when and what foods to add.
Week 15: Nov. 29 - Dec. 5
On Tuesday this week I woke up a bit depressed, which came and went all week until I started my cycle on Saturday (my first real one since July!) I was super gassy this week too, probably also related. All in all, I felt good energy this week besides Friday afternoon, when I couldn't walk and spent 10 hours on the couch. On Wednesday I realized I had been eating sugar in some form (honey, coconut sap, agave) everyday for a week since Thanksgiving and my elbow tendonitis and depression had returned. I cut all sugar out until Sunday night, which helped make my cramps and psychosis less. I added cilantro and sweet potatoes successfully and rooibos tea unsuccessfully (was slow and bloated afterwards). I had enough energy Sunday to start lifting weights!
Week 16: Dec. 6 - Dec. 12
Well, it was an up and down week. I had my most energetic day on Monday and a complete crash on Sunday with most everything in between. I introduced blackberry, parsnip, rutabaga 'Life Essence' vitamin drink and dill. Unfortunately, I realized that my intuition that some foods have developed sensitivities was right. We muscle tested foods and I failed with garlic, black pepper, tapioca, spinach, beets and sunchokes. Looks like I need to start over to an extent to make my body happy again. I'll out smart my immune system!
Health History 2004-2010
May 2004
The health piece of my story started in the summer of 2004. I was living in Australia and had a head on collision with another cyclist. There was a blind 90-degree corner with a tree obstructing half the path. We both had time to swerve once before we collided and my forehead broke his collarbone. It’s amazing how much blood can spill with a head wound. Harry Potter was a huge hit at the time, so everyone loves my scar. The ambulance ride was fun and I remember thinking that I should slow down and live more in the moment… and wear a bike helmet at ALL times. It was the law afterall.
June 2004
A month later I was riding through Wollongong when a taxi cut me off and we collided. I landed on the road… with my mouth. I broke my bike helmet and bent the steel frame so the front tire was past the cross bar, but I was alive! One front tooth shattered, one fell out completely and another tooth chipped. Luckily, my friend Paul was riding behind me and picked up the tooth (a fellow fake front-toother) before I got to take another ambulance ride. Somehow the driver from my first accident heard there was "an American girl with a Harry Potter scar" in the ER again, so he came to wish me a quick recovery.
I remember none of this, of course, and “woke up” in a CAT scan machine, convinced aliens had abducted me. My friends were relieved when I finally stopped asking the same 3 questions over and over. Besides the missing and broken teeth, I had some stitches in my mashed chin, a couple on my nose, road rash to my ear, and lips so swollen I could hardly talk. For the rest of the summer when I went into the climbing gym, all my friends would hold up a hooked finger and yell "Arrrgh!" since I looked like a toothless pirate. Little did I know this would result in 5 crowns, 4 gum grafts, 3 bone grafts, 2 implants, a root canal and a partridge in a pear tree. Finally in August of 2010 got my second (and hopefully last) pair of beautiful porcelain front teeth.
September 6, 2005
My brother Luke died instantly in a car accident. I was more disoriented than when I woke up in the alien abduction machine. I was 2 minutes away from walking out the door for Outward Bound canyon training when we got the news. I decided to stay on my parents couch and cry for 2 months instead. This was the biggest life-changing event to date, losing 25% of our family. Unable to process all the grief, I did what I’m best at…run away and travel.
November 2005
I went to Mexico for Thanksgiving to climb with my boyfriend. If you haven’t already driven through Texas, don’t do it!! We came back to sell Christmas trees in Aspen and broke up while we were living and working together, which made me more of a basket case than I already was. Since I had bought a ticket to Southeast Asia, I had to stick out the tree gig for the money.
January 2006
I flew to Thailand with my climbing gear and little else. We lived in huts with no running water and bug nets to stay sane. I had chronic diarrhea, which wasn’t surprising since all the folks cooking my food wiped their asses with their hands. My ex-boyfriend came over so we could break up in another country for shits and giggles. The climbing was fun, but I wasn’t exactly in a great space mentally or emotionally.
March 2006
I flew to Vietnam alone. I made friends along the way, but didn’t like it nearly as much as Thailand (except the hot showers). After many sleepless nights on bumpy buses fearing for my life, I made it to Cambodia. Pretty sure I contracted Dengue fever, although I didn’t see a doctor. I was going to head up to Laos, but got a strong angel thought to book my flight home instead. After an 8-hour bus ride down their main highway (a dirt road infested with pot holes), I was back in Bangkok for the flight home.
April 2006
Arriving in Taiwan for a short layover, the most excruciating pain hit me like a train (or taxi). I was rushed to 2 different emergency rooms and a gynecologist before having an emergency appendectomy. I was surprised to see my belly button sewn shut when I woke up and bummed that my inney/outey party trick was forever lost. Everyone was wonderfully sweet, despite the language barrier. After 5 days unable to walk, it was clear something was wrong. My mother rushed over from the US and whisked me to an old folks home in a pink and gold wheel chair. We spent another week there while I got a heinous infection (think pus infested belly button and a doctor with scissors… still gives me the willeys). Finally home, I spent a month on the couch before going back to work at Outward Bound.
March 2007
I started dating again and hadn’t been emotionally close to anyone since Christmas of 2005. Being with my new boyfriend opened up everything I had been avoiding with Luke’s death and my self-loathing depression.
May 2007
After finally graduating and finishing my last year of school, I got an internship at the National Wildlife Federation. I was behind a computer for 8 hours a day, barely talking with anyone. I thought I might go insane, so instead, I quit and became more depressed.
July & August 2007
I went to Squamish (near Vancouver, Canada) for a month to climb and mountain bike. My panic attacks were so bad, I barely lead any trad climbs or mountain biked. It was bizarre to be afraid after being fearless most of my life. I was able to boulder, but was so competitive with it that I got upset when I didn’t perform well.
September 2007
For the next year and a half I became suicidal, irrational, hysterical and had anxiety/panic attacks frequently. They were usually around climbing or mountain biking, or any time I was afraid or couldn’t regulate my breathing.
April 2008
I went to Eric Dorninger, Naturopathic Doctor, for my depression. He ran many tests and found that most of my brain chemicals were either too high or too low. My low serotonin was adding to the depression and poor sleep and my fried adrenals were making the asthma/ panic attacks more frequent. I started taking high doses of amino acids to balance my levels.
September-November 2008
I went to West Virginia and Kentucky to climb for 2 months. I was getting less depressed, but still was having panic attacks and refused to fall on lead. I would down climb difficult sections to avoid falling. When I climbed within my moderate level, I could be happy and climb without fear.
March 2009
Feel my brain is fully recovered, no more irrational, self-destructive thoughts. No more hysterical, angry, breaking of things. I got my first big girl job (in an office from 8-5) the next month.
November 2009
My fiance and I broke up. We were apart for 2 months while I lived with my parents then decided to give it another shot. For 2 months we went to therapy every week and tried to make it work. It seemed like the right thing to do when we broke up again in March of 2010.
April 2010
I got my gluten intolerance test back and it was positive for both genes. I also found out I was allergic to dairy, soy and nuts. I felt better for a few weeks and then I began to get bloated with almost every meal.
July 2010
Allergy elimination specialist advises Candida cleanse (12 days, which I doubled the intake after the first week) & parasite cleanse (3 days, overlapping at the end). I quit all sugar, alcohol and caffeine. I become increasingly more sick, bloated and low energy. LEAP food sensitivities test shows I am eating sensitive foods every meal.
August 20, 2010
Start restrictive LEAP diet, minus grains and fruit. Got “laid off” from work because I was too sick to return. Ensuing symptoms continue:
Fatigue/ exhausted immune system
Bloating upon eating
Nausea occasionally after eating
Went from 120 lbs to 100 lbs
Diarrhea early in the process, then constipation until early November
Always thirsty/ dehydrated (regardless of how much water I drank) until late Sept
Disturbed sleep patterns (4-5 hrs first 2 weeks off pills, then trouble falling
asleep and waking up) until late September
Leaky gut?
Increased food allergies/ sensitivities
Chronic headaches
Decreased hydrochloric acid production
Unsatisfied after eating until October
Night urination until late September
Slow/ labored speech when I’m low energy
Difficulty walking when I’m low energy
Vertigo spells in mid-Nov
Uterus/ Ovary/colon? pain in mid-November
Constant coldness
Uterus/ Ovary/colon? pain in mid-November
Constant coldness
I began to see many health professionals to help with my progression towards balance and health. I saw a Naturopathic Doctor (Eric Dorninger), Psychotherapist (Jeff Cloud), Allergy Elimination Specialist (Marc Arnold), Psychic (Catherine Ralston), Nutritionist (Neely Quinn), Christian Science Practitioners (Sharon Andrews & Suzette Perkins), Shamanic Healer (Mollie Kelleher), Healing Touch Practitioner (Charmaine Rawson), Cranial Sacral Therapist/ Rolfer (Brooke Andrews), Massage Therapists (Beth McVey & Cheryl Burns), Qi Gong Practitioner (Maureen O’Conner), MD (Jai Gottlieb), Empath (Theresa Fox), Bioenergetic balancer/ Homeopathics (Martin Woodbury), and Traditional Chinese Medicine Practitioners (Andrew Maloney, Chip Chase, Brenyn Williams, Seth, Claudia Krajicek).
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