Fierce Grace

I love Adya. What amazing teachings he brings us that always have kernels of grace to meet me right where I'm at. He's been a beacon of light that I hold to during recent dark and stormy times. In his radio talk tonight, he spoke about how grace sometimes comes in beautiful forms…but can also appear as "fierce grace". This is when life rips your sense of personal will away from your ego. The more you resist, the messier it can be. I thought back to the depression, panic attacks and turmoil after Luke died 5 years ago. Since Adya was brought to me in September, I've finally started accepting what's happening in my life (a little too late to prevent the implosion, but better late than never!)

One of the listeners called in wondering how to discover where she is still holding on. It is challenging to let go if you can't see where you're grasping. He said "trying" to "let go" is impossible, since these two ideas are mutually exclusive. Trying is grasping. Letting go is letting go. To find where we're holding on, we can ask and then listen. The space to receive answers must first be there.

It hit me like a taxi…it's this idea of perfection that I'm grasping. Actually, it's the fear of not being perfect that paralyzes me. It's ridiculous really, as Adya pointed out tonight, because human life can't be perfect. It's impossible. But, this idea of perfect is what has kept me from really investing in a relationship, my guitar, painting, singing, climbing… well, everything I've done. I'm terrified if I really try and I'm not the best….I don't even know what I'm scared of. I guess I identify with being athletic, creative and competent, so letting go of those mistaken identities would mean the death of the egoic remnants. I want this inside, to see the truth, but death is scary. I can tell you from experience that my ego has not been dying a graceful death.

Adya also described the opposite of letting go as "willfulfullyl" wanting life to be a certain way. Earlier this fall, I met with Jai, who decided that my sickness was a matter of imbalance. We came up with a list of what I had in excess and identified the opposites for me to develop. One of my excesses was willfulness. Dandy!

Even today, as I measured out Chinese herbal formulas for Andrew's patients, I had to get the measurements "perfect". If it said 8g, I couldn't settle for 7.9 or 8.1g. He wasn't even there, so it was even more obvious to me tonight that this is my hang up. The last hold out, like a burglar inside the bank, surrounded on all sides by Truth. The longer he holds out, the more painful the death will be. Perfection, your out of time, come out with your hands up!

Time is an illusion anyway.