Pumpkin Cake Hangover

So, my first hangover since I quit drinking in late July was last week after I ate almost an entire pumpkin cake in one night. It was my first experiment with baking, and since there are no cookbooks that use ingredients I can eat…I decided to wing it. I added logical things like flour (tapioca), eggs and baking soda. This is where it got interesting. I put in pumpkin and coconut sugar and some spices. In all honesty I was trying to make scones, but my batter was runny so I poured it into a pan instead. I ate it like a crack addict, sharing two small pieces with my mother and Amy, then devouring the rest myself.

This was day 6 on sugar since Thanksgiving and I was officially addicted again. Initially I thought "honey, coconut sugar and agave are fine since they aren't refined white sugar". I was wrong. Not only was I addicted again, but my headaches and elbow tendonitis (that I thought was associated with rock climbing) were back in full force. Hmmmm…sugar is an inflammatory. Since then I'm on the 2 days per week sugar allowance plan in a feeble attempt to bring balance into my life. Since we all know I'm great at the "all or nothing" plan in life, I'm trying something new for kicks.

I have 8 qualities I focus on every day to be more balanced. The first 4 are from Luke and are what the tattoo on my forearm represents: acceptance, compassion, forgiveness and gentleness. The last 4 are opposites of what I had too much of when my Yang collapsed: calmness, steadiness, commitment and equanimity. When my body can handle another tattoo, there will be one on my right arm to bring me into symmetry (and hopefully balance too).

I had 3 gloriously energetic and joyous days starting last weekend. It was fun to feel like a "normal" human being again. I got to walk around downtown, picked out an easel for Xmas, and went to the CU rec center to lift weights with all the beefcakes. I actually laughed out loud when I had to set most of the machines to the lowest setting. I was probably less than 3 feet tall last time I was this weak. But how wonderful to MOVE my body!! I was high on endorphins all afternoon Sunday from it and dancing in front of the stove to thumping Rodrigo y Gabriella.

I was shocked to wake up Monday and realize that 3 full days in a row I had felt good. To celebrate, I started my apprenticeship with Andrew (my Chinese doc/ acupuncturist/ herbalist). I talked with him for 4 hours and still felt great! I'm so excited to get my hands on those glass jars of herbs, learn the Chinese names and what they do I can hardly wait.

That night I had a friend over for dinner and did the cooking. Mid dinner I felt like that energizer bunny commercial from the 80s (or 90s?) and started to s  l   o    w      d    o    w     n. Enter molasses stage right.

For 2 full days since then I've been able to walk but not had energy for much else. I've realized that I have no choice but to live completely in the moment. I can't make plans because I never know if I'll feel like a million bucks or need help lifting my head up and  walking to the bathroom. I've actually been more peaceful and happier than any other time in my life despite moments of frustration and impatience. I like myself better too, which I didn't realize until Sunday when I made my first sharp comment to my mother in months and her reply was "I know your getting better because you're bitchiness is back." Ouch, the truth hurts. How can I get healthy and remain in this peaceful state? Is it possible to rebuild my Yang fire and not turn back into the disgruntled, impatient bitch I tended towards in the past? I know the point is to accept myself completely…including the bitchy moments, the dark depression, the sassy wit, the peaceful stillness and everything else that comes out. I guess I'll just take it as it comes. Or I could struggle endlessly like I did before….but look where that got me!