Thursday, January 20, 2011

Highly Sensitive AND Sensation Seeking: Finally an Explanation

After decades of watching others find a semblance of balance in their lives and wondering why I couldn't, there is an answer. My life has always felt like I cling desperately to the bottom of a clock's pendulum arm, endlessly swinging past the equilibrium. I thought I was alone down here, imagining the rest of the world close to the clock's face… experiencing a much less turbulent ride.

I finished reading The Highly Sensitive Person and had many great realizations. Even reading it, there was still a feeling that I was an outsider within that group. It explained my sensitivity, but not my roller-coaster ride. If I'm all the way on the far end of the sensitive spectrum (meaning my nervous system picks up more than most people), why wasn't I very cautious?

In her second book, The Highly Sensitive Person In Love, I found an answer. She introduces another important inherited trait, High Sensation Seeking. These folks need more stimulation to reach the optimal amount of arousal. The two traits seem like opposites on first glance, but she makes it quite clear that one can be both an HSP and an HSS, which explains my lifelong tightrope walk to maintain balance. I answered true to all but one of the questions on both tests. This means my range of comfortable arousal (not in a sexual sense) is extremely small. As one HSP/HSS person put it, we feel like we have one foot on the break and one foot on the gas… all the time. We have a built-in, hard-wired internal struggle!

HSPs make up 15-20% of the population and within them 30% are extroverts, so about 6% of the human population. Within that group, an even smaller proportion is also HSS. No wonder I felt like an alien most of my life! Having both traits means I get overwhelmed and bored very easily. Since I developed the HSS aspect more, the HSP part of me got massive adrenal exhaustion, depression, anxiety, digestive issues and chronic fatigue from all my frenetic activity. I have to balance it with time for reflection, meditation, yoga, etc.

The HSS part of me manifests like this:
  • Desiring to experience new things
  • Wanting to travel to exotic places
  • Never wanting to backtrack if possible, so I see something new always
  • Being an adrenaline junkie from birth
  • Experimenting with drugs
  • Becoming easily bored
  • Thoroughly enjoying extreme sports
  • Being so restless that I move and change jobs frequently
  • Wanting to meet new people often
  • Have difficulty being in long term relationships
  • Being unpredictable or flaky
  • Avoid routines of any sort
My first memory is of launching myself off our garage roof towards a branch that was parallel to the ground, like a flying trapeze artist. I missed many, many times before finally sticking this bold move. One of those times I was in my pink bikini, pre-kindergarden, and grazed a pile of concrete blocks, ripping the ass cheek off my suit. But I knew it was possible, and I finally prevailed.

Looking back, I remember being in first grade and noticing that the men had the power. Since I had both the high sensitivity (seen as more feminine) and sensation seeking (seen as more masculine), I developed the latter and tried to hide the former. My entire life has been about trying to develop the daring, masculine side of myself. Luckily, my parents supported me and never pigeonholed me because of my gender.

In my house, there was a wonderful amount of equality (coming from a long line of feisty German feminist bitches), and I never heard the words "you can't do that because you're a girl"….until I was 9. I was playing with my cousins, who were all boys, and it was 100 degrees and 100% humidity on our farm in Indiana. Naturally we all had our shirts off. My parents pulled me aside and informed me that I needed to wear a shirt because I was a girl. I was outraged! I had already hit puberty, so it was probably a good idea, but I was pissed nonetheless.

It wasn't until my brother died 5 years ago that I saw the value and power of the feminine. I could no longer pretend to be a man with breasts that happened to be attracted to other men. Somehow, losing Luke cracked me wide open. I felt my suppressed emotions of 27 years breaking through the dam, like Lake Powell tumbling through the Grand Canyon. I gradually softened, embracing my true nature. I even made girlfriends! Lo and behold, there were other women similar to me… strong AND sensitive, bold AND feminine. Why didn't I see this before?

It's not surprising that I've been drawn to Chinese medicine, which has it's foundation in the Yin-Yang theory. Everything material has an opposite.  There is Yin within Yang, and Yang within Yin (shown as the dots, or fish eyes in the symbol). It's about finding that balance where the two are in harmony and one isn't dominating the other. They are both changing constantly, like everything in life, so it becomes a dance.

I was so Yang for most of my life, being active, aggressive, masculine, talkative, etc. But Yang cannot exist without the support of Yin, the dark, introspective, feminine, and calm. That's why my Yang collapsed and for 6 months my whole life has been Yin. My pendulum is swinging back towards the center, the equilibrium, because we cannot stop time. The clock will continue ticking away. I just need to climb higher instead of trying to hold the swing on one end. There is always an equal and opposite reaction. It is ridiculous to pretend to be something I'm not. The universe didn't make an infinite number of unique manifestations so we could try to all be the same.

19 comments:

  1. Wow KiraZoe! So sorry I'm just finding this post now! We have so much in common: Both HSP/HSS; hiding our feminine traits for our whole young lives; drawn to Eastern philosophy, yoga and medicine; losing a sibling a few years back and experiencing the "awakening." Just searching for some like-minded and like-oriented people to connect with. Thanks so much for this post!

    Kellie Murphy
    www.kcmjournalist.com

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    1. I stumbled upon this post and I also just recently learned that I too have HSP / HSS. I came up with a good analogy last night to describe it. You know when a cat gets petting aggression? You start petting the cat and the cat is thinking "I would like precisely 4 pets, but then I want you to stop". But you don't know that and you pet it 5 times and of course the cat is like "ENOUGH!!!!!!!!" and it bites you or hisses at you. Or it's like that moment when you hear a faint tapping noise and you erupt into a reaction: "OMG MAKE IT STOP!!!". We notice every tiny minute little thing around us. It's like that feeling you get when a mosquito buzzes right next to your ear. I used to work in a very loud office, they were always playing crappy pop music (like for example "I'm a Barbie Girl" - I shit you not). It drove me crazy, I had numerous breakdowns and would go to the bathroom and cry about it - literally. Your entire story sounds pretty much like my life. I also experienced this fascination with masculinity and doing thrill seeking types of things. I scuba dive and zip line and I enjoy extreme human-pretzel forms of yoga, I traveled to India to try to wrap my legs behind my head, etc. I've taken ayahuasca and experimented with other substances. I also had an overwhelming deluge of emotions when my father passed away recently. I always had a hard time finding / keeping girl friends but I thought that may have just been because I work in a mostly male software industry. But recently I realized I was lacking a certain softness or approachability or relatability. It's great to know I'm not alone out there, thanks for your post!

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    2. I can definitely relate to your pain. I am an HSP and an HSS and on top of all of that I am also an INTJ.

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    3. I am also a INTJ, HSP with HSS!!!

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  2. Wow, wonderful that u share this! Regnotion here too!

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  3. I have known about my High Sensitivity for a long time now, however only just coming to find Elaine Aron's books. New to HSP communities online and learning so very much from them. At first glance I thought I would not relate to this post as I see myself more as an introvert so how could I also be HSS? However, I do resonate with some of this trait as well, it is just not as strong. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing this view point with all.

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  4. Is anyone else tired of the acronyms?! Do we need more terms for every different type of behavior or attribute ascribed to us?

    I am a Sensitive - one word is all I need and I am very curious to know what others think.

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    1. That's great that you have found a label that works for you, sadly it just isn't refined enough for me. I am sensitive, but not in the same way as others.

      Labels do have uses though http://crystaloak-ponderings.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/labels-love-em-or-hate-em.html

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  5. I can really relate. Thanks for the post! I'am a HSP, I just recently learned that there's such a thing as a HSS and that I am one. I think I'm not a sensitive extrovert though, more like I'm a sensitive Ambivert.

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  6. I love what you have written and I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I have just discovered that I am an introverted HSS/HSP.. another step towards understanding my needs.

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  7. Well - I’m not alone after all!! I am an optimistic HSP, HSS and of course I am a INFJ – very rare. I know the constant struggles – it’s like having three personalities all competing. I pay a high price for having endless enthusiasm and drive and seem to motivate others easily but it draws the life out of me  I am the one that gets back up, shakes myself off and asks “What’s next Then” ??? It’s all about balance - but that tends to bore me  The hardest thing I find is pre-planning which I love to do. Problem is if I am in good form I pack it all in – I can conquer the world - I then end up exhausted and regret having organised so much!!! Do I learn??? That’s a big NO 

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    1. It's like you are talking about me! Every time I start something and I reached a good point of success .. I stop and get bored of and I want to do something different. Could you find a balance?

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  8. How wonderful to recently be enlightened to this small group of "me" and I finally can understand thus higher level of emotional intelligence we have been blessed with. I have been deemed a gypsy and I live to travel. I am a EFIP. Anyone else out there this on the Meyer Briggs?

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  9. How wonderful to recently be enlightened to this small group of "me" and I finally can understand thus higher level of emotional intelligence we have been blessed with. I have been deemed a gypsy and I live to travel. I am a EFIP. Anyone else out there this on the Meyer Briggs?

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    1. Is EFIP the same as an ENFP? That's what I am. I generally like it.

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  10. Oh wow, it's like now everything growing up and in my journey makes sense! I am so def a HSS/HSP and an eternal optimist with an 'all or nothing - no regrets' approach to life!
    I also very much like having alone time and me time and as much as I like/love anyone, I've always never wanted to be around them 24/7 lol

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  11. Very interesting article. I can deeply relate to what you wrote here, on many different levels. It has taken me a very long time and a ALOT of research to finally come to the conclusion that these characteristics may be the explanation as to why I feel, think, and do as I do.

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