Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Softening

A lot happens in 2 months. Most of March my baseline energy level was much higher and I somehow thought I was crawling out of my cocoon. WIth my increased energy came residual anger, frustration, impatience…all the familiar friends I thought were left behind in my life as a caterpillar. Then April came.

A friend explained that a caterpillar eats voraciously before cocooning itself to prepare for transformation. I've been averaging 6 meals a day for most of the last 9 months. Then she explained that the transformation doesn't happen in 2 steps: caterpillar becomes butterfly. The caterpillar softens so much it liquifies. Then out of the mush comes an entirely new creature, with wings! As I found myself carrying my angry shield once again, she asked, "can you soften enough to liquify?" If it means I get wings, I sure hope so.

Being soft has never been my strong suit. Ask me to be tough and strong and powerful and I'm totally comfortable. But soft? The whole idea has traditionally made me nauseous. Why is that? I had such a negative view of Yin, soft, feminine, dark, that I've carried with me for thousands of years. I'm ready to put it down and experience the true reality.

April has been my month of softening. When I feel angry, can I accept it and look beneath it? What I usually find is fear, anxiety, insecurity and other uncomfortable feelings that are more terrifying than any climb, or rapid, or steep snowy slope. As my heart opens I've had moments of what Adya calls "the great heartbreak". This is where I'm not closing and protecting my heart, so I allow every emotion to wash through me instead of resisting them. Just yesterday I was reading the paper, and an article written by a transgendered teenager describing his/her endured abuse at school brought me to complete tears. In fact I spent all morning crying, partly with a source, and partly an inexplainable floodgate that opened somewhere inside me. The inner war resumed. There was the me that was crying and letting the flash flood of emotions wash me clean. Then the old me was judging: "stop being so fucking weak and pathetic…you're such an irrational, emotional woman!". Then the new me, "it's ok to feel everything, just let it rise unblocked and it will fall away unobstructed. These emotions are not who you are". I felt like I'd finally arrived…my own goddamn Mad Hatter tea party.

I'm reading The Untethered Soul and every time I pick it up his words meet me exactly where I'm at. (Funny how the universe does that). Yesterday's chapters were about our tendency to close, which creates emotional blockages in our energy bodies. When we get stuck on an event or emotion, our minds ruminate because we're trying to process it and let it pass through our system. This spinning in circles takes us out of the present moment.  He says, "it's your resistance to experience these patterns that causes the energy to keep cycling around itself". He even mentioned having so many blockages that we become sick and immobilized by the lack of energy (hmmm, sounds familiar). When we are ready to process these old blockages, they will rise to the surface so we can let them go. I believe this is what's happening to me now. The more I can soften into acceptance of all my past pain, the more open my heart will become.

We are taught by society that certain emotions are good, which we try to hold onto, and other ones are bad, which we resist. Both create road blocks in our hearts. If you watch a baby, everything rises and washes away. They can be joyously playing one minute and then get hungry and start crying. Or the kid that falls and hits his head. He cries until the pain is processed and then he's running around with a smile again. As adults, we aren't allowed to cry because it makes everyone uncomfortable, including ourselves. We are constantly judging our actions, emotions and ideas instead of acting like a baby and allowing them to come and go naturally.

Yesterday I told a friend that I was completely exhausted and unmotivated. I've never felt such a sense of nothingness. I don't want to do anything. I didn't even have the energy to judge myself or get depressed. What a bizarre and unknown land. He replied, "Welcome to the desert…whatever direction you head off into is just as scary and exciting and unknown as any other". I think I'll just sit still for once and see what arrives next.

1 comment:

  1. Aw. I love how you express yourself... Very Clear and poetic. I'll keep my eyes peeled for the next entry!

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