Cocoon

After 6 full days with no crashes, despite a dinner party, 2 out of town guests, catching a cold and starting my monthly cycle, I found myself cocooned again. After a large and fat filled dinner, I collapsed on the couch and settled into my state of paralysis. I couldn't really open my eyes or move and was responding to questions with grunts, in which I communicated with my parents to keep their dinner plans and turn off the light. 

It feels a bit like being buried in heavy marshmallows with an air hole to breath through. Tonight was so peaceful and it reminded me of how far I've come since the first time this happened, sometime in September or October. Initially, I was completely panic stricken. My worst nightmare come true…immobilized in my body with no distractions. Trapped with myself! I felt the terror of facing death like I'd never known existed. 

In hindsight, I realize it was only my egoic self that feared annihilation. The problem was that I was identified with my body in this specific time and place. The 32 year old woman who was used to being constantly active, boisterously social, and independent to a fault. Here I was, in the prime of my life, unable to move my small muscular body. How dreadful!

Over time the fearful panic turned to anger and frustration, then sadness and grief, and finally acceptance and humor. Tonight it took on a new flavor, that of peace. I wasn't afraid to be left alone, in my dark marshmallow prison, because I know that I am not my body. How freeing! I have a body, which goes through all manner of interesting situations, but it isn't who I am. My true essence is spiritual. I've known this intellectually since I was a small child, but now I feel it in my heart. I am part of the infinite, connected, energetic universe. 

This body called KiraZoe is just a "human suit" as a close friend recently said. It's like a Halloween costume that I get to wear for awhile. I didn't think I was Wonder Woman when I had that costume, although that would've been fun too!

So, tonight I laid peacefully, letting my body do what it was doing (or not doing) and I traveled to my internal desert landscape. Everything I need is inside me, is me. This is another concept I've known intellectually but not felt. I get moments of clarity now and then, realizing I don't need anything outside myself for contentment to flower. When I just accept what IS, each moment, life is so simple. I only suffer when the current moment is in opposition to what my ego wants. Like I have control! Ha! No wonder I spent years in suicidal depression, thinking I was in control. Constantly trying to force myself and my life to be a certain way.

We can change our beliefs and responses, but I don't think we have control over the universe. It's hysterical that our tiny minds think we do. It's a bit of a game to try catching myself at it now, swimming frantically upstream and still going where the current wants me to go. And then I realize and relax again, loosening my grip, lightening my spirits, and I always seem to be in the perfect place.